AZ List Of Things I Hate About Work
Here is an AZ list of things that I hated about working in an office. There are many categories, a few cartoons and surprisingly, no swearing.
It may strike a chord with others in the same position. It might be nice to know you are not alone in feeling generally hacked off, bored, unwanted and disrespected in some mind-numbing stressful job.
This list was my sign-off note to work. A message of contempt for the pathetic office game, the politics and pointless shuffling of priority tasks that have no real purpose.
It could be shown to senior management who wonder why their staff don't seem delighted to work for them. They can sit in some awful meeting nodding their heads as an expensive consultant tries to explain what the author was thinking. A team building exercise involving paper hats will surely bring everyone back on board.
Alternatively they can continue with the grand plan of globally outsourcing all work so there is ultimately nothing left.
Here's the thing.
It may strike a chord with others in the same position. It might be nice to know you are not alone in feeling generally hacked off, bored, unwanted and disrespected in some mind-numbing stressful job.
This list was my sign-off note to work. A message of contempt for the pathetic office game, the politics and pointless shuffling of priority tasks that have no real purpose.
It could be shown to senior management who wonder why their staff don't seem delighted to work for them. They can sit in some awful meeting nodding their heads as an expensive consultant tries to explain what the author was thinking. A team building exercise involving paper hats will surely bring everyone back on board.
Alternatively they can continue with the grand plan of globally outsourcing all work so there is ultimately nothing left.
Here's the thing.
The Short List
This page is rather too long, wordy and self-indulgent - particularly for time-pressed office workers with only a few moments browsing time before the next assignment. Sorry about that.
Here is a set of brief bullet points - like the A4 list you might need to give your boss when he goes somewhere. No one reads the full boring detail of any large document - leastways unless they are being paid to do so.
A glance at the titles may be enough of a hint in any case.
Agile - project management with post-its.
Alcohol - join in with the drinkers.
Blame Game - pass the buck.
Bosses who ignore you - they walk past without a greeting.
Chained to a desk - stay where you are put all day.
Coffee machine - free coffee, awful coffee.
Desk moves - no notice relocation.
Doing the Rounds - workers who spend all day visiting others.
Downsizing - companies lay off loyal workers.
Driving to work - the commute.
Emails - endless emails 24/7.
Funny Story - a short true story of office fun.
Globalisation - how companies rip out their local heart and replace it with short-term profits.
Humour - the office variety of non-threatening tedious jokes.
In House magazine - the corporate newsletter tells you how great everything is.
Loud talkers - people who cannot talk below a shout.
Meetings - the pointless sitting around and doing nothing.
Noisy colleagues - same as loud talkers. Clearly it annoys me.
Office Party - the Xmas party or other social gathering.
Outsourcing and offshoring - throw away staff and hollow out the company.
People who sit on your desk - keep your distance!
People who interrupt your lunch - eating and browsing - leave me alone.
Pointless paperwork - creating documentation, filling forms.
Quick question - the opening gambit that can lead to days of work.
Redundancy - parts 1 and 2.
Restroom cubicles - the horror of using shared toilet facilities.
Retiring - finishing work for the last time and starting a new life.
Ring Tones - amusing once, irritating for ever more.
Robots - the robots are coming.
Slow walkers - the measured tread of people with no life left in them.
Stress - how work winds up the stressometer.
Tax - the richer you are the less you pay.
Urgent priorities - overused description for poor planning.
Waking up - it is not easy being an office worker.
Watching the clock - the minutes tick by.
Wikipedia defacing - a fun and true story.
Working till you die - the treadmill from birth to grave.
Zero hours contracts - they smashed the unions. Now they remove all other protections.
Each of those points above is discussed in more detail below.
Here is a set of brief bullet points - like the A4 list you might need to give your boss when he goes somewhere. No one reads the full boring detail of any large document - leastways unless they are being paid to do so.
A glance at the titles may be enough of a hint in any case.
Agile - project management with post-its.
Alcohol - join in with the drinkers.
Blame Game - pass the buck.
Bosses who ignore you - they walk past without a greeting.
Chained to a desk - stay where you are put all day.
Coffee machine - free coffee, awful coffee.
Desk moves - no notice relocation.
Doing the Rounds - workers who spend all day visiting others.
Downsizing - companies lay off loyal workers.
Driving to work - the commute.
Emails - endless emails 24/7.
Funny Story - a short true story of office fun.
Globalisation - how companies rip out their local heart and replace it with short-term profits.
Humour - the office variety of non-threatening tedious jokes.
In House magazine - the corporate newsletter tells you how great everything is.
Loud talkers - people who cannot talk below a shout.
Meetings - the pointless sitting around and doing nothing.
Noisy colleagues - same as loud talkers. Clearly it annoys me.
Office Party - the Xmas party or other social gathering.
Outsourcing and offshoring - throw away staff and hollow out the company.
People who sit on your desk - keep your distance!
People who interrupt your lunch - eating and browsing - leave me alone.
Pointless paperwork - creating documentation, filling forms.
Quick question - the opening gambit that can lead to days of work.
Redundancy - parts 1 and 2.
Restroom cubicles - the horror of using shared toilet facilities.
Retiring - finishing work for the last time and starting a new life.
Ring Tones - amusing once, irritating for ever more.
Robots - the robots are coming.
Slow walkers - the measured tread of people with no life left in them.
Stress - how work winds up the stressometer.
Tax - the richer you are the less you pay.
Urgent priorities - overused description for poor planning.
Waking up - it is not easy being an office worker.
Watching the clock - the minutes tick by.
Wikipedia defacing - a fun and true story.
Working till you die - the treadmill from birth to grave.
Zero hours contracts - they smashed the unions. Now they remove all other protections.
Each of those points above is discussed in more detail below.
Agile Development
The most stupid thing about Agile apart from endless rushing around without proper planning is the Stand Up meeting. It is like a normal meeting but you stand up during it.
This has nothing to do with a shortage of chairs. There may be chairs available as the Agile meeting often needs to use a meeting room but you are not allowed to sit in them. They have to be pushed out of the way.
The idea is to convey a sense of can-do emergency to the process so the meeting is shorter and more productive. In practice it means hacked off alienated bored people standing rather than sitting while a project manager who fancies themselves at Amateur Dramatics talks nonsense for a while.
The meetings can also be called Scrums leading to new job title called a Scrum-Master. In between meetings the workers are supposed to Sprint to the next objective. It is laughable and meaningless.
Done properly there might be some point to it. But these things never are. They are run by poorly equipped people who obey the latest management directives through a mixture of fear and lack of their own ability or initiative.
Great news for the manufacturers of Post-Its.
When an Agile board first arrives everyone looks at the colourful layout. The achievements, the goals, the unfunny joke, the sense of immediacy.
As weeks go by the board is updated less. The person who started it moves on, the project grinds to a halt, they lose interest. The board remains as a reminder of what the picture was months ago. Eventually it too is moved on.
This has nothing to do with a shortage of chairs. There may be chairs available as the Agile meeting often needs to use a meeting room but you are not allowed to sit in them. They have to be pushed out of the way.
The idea is to convey a sense of can-do emergency to the process so the meeting is shorter and more productive. In practice it means hacked off alienated bored people standing rather than sitting while a project manager who fancies themselves at Amateur Dramatics talks nonsense for a while.
The meetings can also be called Scrums leading to new job title called a Scrum-Master. In between meetings the workers are supposed to Sprint to the next objective. It is laughable and meaningless.
Done properly there might be some point to it. But these things never are. They are run by poorly equipped people who obey the latest management directives through a mixture of fear and lack of their own ability or initiative.
Great news for the manufacturers of Post-Its.
When an Agile board first arrives everyone looks at the colourful layout. The achievements, the goals, the unfunny joke, the sense of immediacy.
As weeks go by the board is updated less. The person who started it moves on, the project grinds to a halt, they lose interest. The board remains as a reminder of what the picture was months ago. Eventually it too is moved on.
Alcohol
Not everyone drinks but the drinkers at work don't realize this. They proudly tell people how much they had to drink, laugh about their incapability as a result and fail to notice the gradual decline of their mental ability as a result of their problem drinking.
Alcohol is a bad drug - one of the worst. It can lead to many problems. A minor one is not understanding that temperate colleagues who share office space don't need to know how bladdered you plan to get this weekend.
See also Religion. We don't need to know you are a Christian.
Alcohol is a bad drug - one of the worst. It can lead to many problems. A minor one is not understanding that temperate colleagues who share office space don't need to know how bladdered you plan to get this weekend.
See also Religion. We don't need to know you are a Christian.
Blame Game
Where everyone hides behind each other and no one takes responsibility. The goal of the blame game is to make sure that someone else takes it.
If something is accidentally successful at work then the opposite occurs. Your own good idea or hard work are claimed by others. That's the Claim Game. It is played by the guys destined for higher things. The ones who told tales in class and were teacher's pet.
Working hard, owning up to mistakes, taking responsibility and supporting your colleagues are old-fashioned ways to conduct yourself. You may gain respect but probably not a senior management position.
If something is accidentally successful at work then the opposite occurs. Your own good idea or hard work are claimed by others. That's the Claim Game. It is played by the guys destined for higher things. The ones who told tales in class and were teacher's pet.
Working hard, owning up to mistakes, taking responsibility and supporting your colleagues are old-fashioned ways to conduct yourself. You may gain respect but probably not a senior management position.
Bosses Who Ignore You
There are the bosses who ignore your emails or anything you say in meetings. That is quite a normal way for these people to behave.
But what about the ones who you see approaching in a corridor or neutral office space - who blankly ignore you as they pass by?
You are too insignificant for them even to say "Hello" or ask how your cat or dog is. They must be so up themselves and so socially unaware they cannot make the smallest effort to engage with staff. A decent boss can interact with all levels of the company - from the top directors to whoever is on the bottom rung. Me probably.
Not these stuffed shirts. They walk on by as though you don't exist.
There is a theory that senior high achievers are sociopaths. They have no genuine contact or feeling for those around them. Look at the dead eyes in some of the top politicians and tech industry gurus and shudder at that lack of empathy.
But what about the ones who you see approaching in a corridor or neutral office space - who blankly ignore you as they pass by?
You are too insignificant for them even to say "Hello" or ask how your cat or dog is. They must be so up themselves and so socially unaware they cannot make the smallest effort to engage with staff. A decent boss can interact with all levels of the company - from the top directors to whoever is on the bottom rung. Me probably.
Not these stuffed shirts. They walk on by as though you don't exist.
There is a theory that senior high achievers are sociopaths. They have no genuine contact or feeling for those around them. Look at the dead eyes in some of the top politicians and tech industry gurus and shudder at that lack of empathy.
Chained to a Desk
If an animal was placed in an office chair and made to look at a computer screen for eight hours the welfare protection people would be involved pretty quickly.
If prisoners were chained to a desk in a similar fashion there would be a fuss about human rights and questions in government. Unless it was Guantanamo or allies of ours.
For eight hours a day with toilet breaks and maybe lunch the office worker will stay where they are put.
As the gig economy and zero hours contracts become more prevalent, and workers rights disappear, the chains get tighter.
If prisoners were chained to a desk in a similar fashion there would be a fuss about human rights and questions in government. Unless it was Guantanamo or allies of ours.
For eight hours a day with toilet breaks and maybe lunch the office worker will stay where they are put.
As the gig economy and zero hours contracts become more prevalent, and workers rights disappear, the chains get tighter.
Coffee Machine
There is a free coffee machine which works in a variable manner. Sometimes it has coffee and no hot water. Sometimes there are no cups or sugar. Maybe the milk is sour.
Sometimes it works and that is a happy occasion. Thank you so much Lord that you have granted me a cup of coffee this fine day.
When the coffee machine is in a bad mood it squirts dark hot liquid (coffee) in various directions rather than straight down into the plastic cup. The cup gets covered in coffee as do your hands, desk and anything else that touches it.
It is best not to dwell on the taste of it. With three sugars* it is not so bad. Gulp it down and start the day.
The idea behind providing foul free coffee is to encourage you to buy the expensive barista style coffee served in the theoretically subsidised canteen. That coffee also comes out of a machine and costs a small fortune.
But it comes in a cardboard cup with an amusing logo on the side of it.
* Sugar is still legal in some parts of the world.
Sometimes it works and that is a happy occasion. Thank you so much Lord that you have granted me a cup of coffee this fine day.
When the coffee machine is in a bad mood it squirts dark hot liquid (coffee) in various directions rather than straight down into the plastic cup. The cup gets covered in coffee as do your hands, desk and anything else that touches it.
It is best not to dwell on the taste of it. With three sugars* it is not so bad. Gulp it down and start the day.
The idea behind providing foul free coffee is to encourage you to buy the expensive barista style coffee served in the theoretically subsidised canteen. That coffee also comes out of a machine and costs a small fortune.
But it comes in a cardboard cup with an amusing logo on the side of it.
* Sugar is still legal in some parts of the world.
Desk Moves
Most workers prefer to know where they are sitting. Do they have a seat near a window or under an ice-cold air-conditioning unit? Is the person who most irritates them going to be sat within earshot? Will their seat be in a corridor where people tramp by constantly?
We put up with what we have and get used to it until someone decides there will be office changes.
Ideally those changes would be posted in advance with a consultation period allowing people who are moving to have some small say in it.
This is how my last move went.
Told months previously that there would be a move – unspecified. Told thirty minutes before leaving work for the day that tomorrow I and others would be sitting in a different office. That is a new record low for staff liaison and consultation.
Either management don’t know what is being planned or they regard their staff as so unimportant they do not need to be informed.
We put up with what we have and get used to it until someone decides there will be office changes.
Ideally those changes would be posted in advance with a consultation period allowing people who are moving to have some small say in it.
This is how my last move went.
Told months previously that there would be a move – unspecified. Told thirty minutes before leaving work for the day that tomorrow I and others would be sitting in a different office. That is a new record low for staff liaison and consultation.
Either management don’t know what is being planned or they regard their staff as so unimportant they do not need to be informed.
Doing the Rounds
The office wanderer who can spend their whole day moving round the building. No need to use the phone or mail when you can wander round the offices and turn up unannounced at desks.
Were you just popping by for a chat?
OK, I'll stop what I was doing which might be working or internet browsing or anything really because hey look who just turned up. Like I am open for visitors to just wander on through. Feel free to interrupt any time with your meaningless drivel.
Were you just popping by for a chat?
OK, I'll stop what I was doing which might be working or internet browsing or anything really because hey look who just turned up. Like I am open for visitors to just wander on through. Feel free to interrupt any time with your meaningless drivel.
Downsizing
We trade our freedom, individuality and personality - our life - in order to earn money. There are ways out of the rat race or at least restoring some balance.
Look at what you spend, what you need and how much effort to get there. Do you need five days a week at work or only four? Can you go part time or change career focus? Can you develop a life that does not require dancing to someone else's tune?
Is work really all there is in life?
Look at what you spend, what you need and how much effort to get there. Do you need five days a week at work or only four? Can you go part time or change career focus? Can you develop a life that does not require dancing to someone else's tune?
Is work really all there is in life?
Driving to Work at 6am
It is a ridiculous time to be out and about but leave it any later and the rush hour will start. It is already a long journey - any further delay would be impossible to do.
Sat in a car listening to endless news broadcasts and facing another day in the office. Wondering if one day I might just turn around and not do it any more.
Or maybe cash in savings, pack a small suitcase, set off to work and just keep on driving.
Sat in a car listening to endless news broadcasts and facing another day in the office. Wondering if one day I might just turn around and not do it any more.
Or maybe cash in savings, pack a small suitcase, set off to work and just keep on driving.
Emails
People who copy you in so the trail gets ever bigger, more public and confusing. Pointless emails. Emails that don't explain properly or provide all the necessary information.
Urgent, priority, quick answer - pressure emails demanding immediate or quicker response and action.
Today sees an email trail where middle managers are trying to pin the blame on anyone but themselves.. Eventually they will find a junior employee to blame and will breath a sigh of relief.
Well done you guys!
Urgent, priority, quick answer - pressure emails demanding immediate or quicker response and action.
Today sees an email trail where middle managers are trying to pin the blame on anyone but themselves.. Eventually they will find a junior employee to blame and will breath a sigh of relief.
Well done you guys!
Funny Story
In case you quite rightly skip most of this boring rant - here is a short tale that is funny if you don't buy corporate speak and management garbage.
A major project is being sponsored by three senior managers. Individual pictures of the managers accompanied by a few short sentences such as "Will enable great things", "Striving for success" and so on - are stuck on the walls round the offices. This includes the staff coffee area where the last thing anyone wants to see are three hated people staring down at them.
Fairly quickly the lady in one of the pictures acquires a pencil moustache. She has been responsible for laying off large numbers of workers - some of whom have partners and friends who still work at this company. Maybe one of them added the moustache. It is funny. She deserves it.
A little while after that the Change Management person is looking at the picture and standing aghast. She cannot believe who could do such a terrible thing.
An email is sent to the whole company warning that defacing company property such as posters is a serious offence - blah blah.
A new picture replaces the moustachioed one and all three are moved higher so they are out of reach of any workers with pencils. They are now almost touching the ceiling, It looks ridiculous.
Someone places a step ladder and pencil by the wall underneath the pictures. This is all very funny and the lack of self-perception from senior management shows them for what they are.
A major project is being sponsored by three senior managers. Individual pictures of the managers accompanied by a few short sentences such as "Will enable great things", "Striving for success" and so on - are stuck on the walls round the offices. This includes the staff coffee area where the last thing anyone wants to see are three hated people staring down at them.
Fairly quickly the lady in one of the pictures acquires a pencil moustache. She has been responsible for laying off large numbers of workers - some of whom have partners and friends who still work at this company. Maybe one of them added the moustache. It is funny. She deserves it.
A little while after that the Change Management person is looking at the picture and standing aghast. She cannot believe who could do such a terrible thing.
An email is sent to the whole company warning that defacing company property such as posters is a serious offence - blah blah.
A new picture replaces the moustachioed one and all three are moved higher so they are out of reach of any workers with pencils. They are now almost touching the ceiling, It looks ridiculous.
Someone places a step ladder and pencil by the wall underneath the pictures. This is all very funny and the lack of self-perception from senior management shows them for what they are.
Globalisation
The process where skills are imported or outsourced in order to cut costs.
In the old-fashioned local model people would work close to home. They would learn the job and build a career. The company would reward loyalty and benefit from their experience. The business and the community would benefit from each other.
The in house magazine has a picture of the US team. There are twenty or so people gathered round a table smiling for the camera. There is one old white guy in the middle - the rest are Asian appearance. Seems odd for a US team.
On closer inspection the caption informs that this US team is based in Manilla. Of course they are. Twenty more jobs off-shored and globalized.
In the old-fashioned local model people would work close to home. They would learn the job and build a career. The company would reward loyalty and benefit from their experience. The business and the community would benefit from each other.
The in house magazine has a picture of the US team. There are twenty or so people gathered round a table smiling for the camera. There is one old white guy in the middle - the rest are Asian appearance. Seems odd for a US team.
On closer inspection the caption informs that this US team is based in Manilla. Of course they are. Twenty more jobs off-shored and globalized.
Humor
Specifically - office humor. The banter, poor jokes, disguised bitching.
The signs that say "You don't have to be mad to work here" or "We're all mad here". The latest unfunny "Keep Calm" slogans.
No risk, edge or satire. Labored repetitive 'jokes' that are straight out of the Reader's Digest book of rejected comedic material. Surprisingly racist or homophobic material to build protective in-group out-group barriers around.
The manager telling his staff a joke and them having to find it hilarious. The one who laughs loudest as they aim for promotion.
The signs that say "You don't have to be mad to work here" or "We're all mad here". The latest unfunny "Keep Calm" slogans.
No risk, edge or satire. Labored repetitive 'jokes' that are straight out of the Reader's Digest book of rejected comedic material. Surprisingly racist or homophobic material to build protective in-group out-group barriers around.
The manager telling his staff a joke and them having to find it hilarious. The one who laughs loudest as they aim for promotion.
In House Magazine
Articles written by staff and management singing the praises, often their own, of the latest noteworthy initiative.
Just how many times can an article contain the word "Excellence"?
Excellence in everything as we push out the platitudes and make nonsense from the English language. Our colleagues in the Philippines are doing so well the company will be able to outsource yet more jobs - another celebration for the In House magazine.
The creepy "well done" responses from the one or two people who can be bothered to pretend they are interested or they buy the pointless fluff.
Just how many times can an article contain the word "Excellence"?
Excellence in everything as we push out the platitudes and make nonsense from the English language. Our colleagues in the Philippines are doing so well the company will be able to outsource yet more jobs - another celebration for the In House magazine.
The creepy "well done" responses from the one or two people who can be bothered to pretend they are interested or they buy the pointless fluff.
Loud Talkers
What is it with people who need to have a conversation that can be heard many desks away? They seem totally unaware that most fellow workers are actually working or at least browsing the internet quietly. Most people manage to talk in a voice that is above a whisper and below a shout.
In an open-plan office the loud guys talk and laugh as though they had been drinking for four hours and were addressing the entire room. Lady or Sir... you are not that interesting.
The loud talkers will often be stupid or lazy or showing off. They think they are so important it is OK for them to disturb the peace and thought processes of fellow workers.
A typical loud talker will deliver a stream of unfunny 'jokes' which they will laugh at themselves. Blah, blah, blah, lol.
In an open-plan office the loud guys talk and laugh as though they had been drinking for four hours and were addressing the entire room. Lady or Sir... you are not that interesting.
The loud talkers will often be stupid or lazy or showing off. They think they are so important it is OK for them to disturb the peace and thought processes of fellow workers.
A typical loud talker will deliver a stream of unfunny 'jokes' which they will laugh at themselves. Blah, blah, blah, lol.
Meetings
Some people like meetings. They spend their working days attending one meeting after another. No actual work needs doing and biscuits may be provided.
Meetings can be a place to shine. Exchange new ideas, promote solutions, get things moving.
For others they can be a place of dread. Large meetings and a fear of public speaking are troublesome. Senior management or aggressive colleagues dealing out humiliation can happen. Sometimes the whole meeting is a set up to apportion blame and duck responsibility.
It is best to try to stay awake and not draw attention to yourself. If you must speak then keep it brief and on point. Resist the temptation to retell the joke that sounded so good in the bar last night.
Don't rest your feet on the table.
Meetings can be a place to shine. Exchange new ideas, promote solutions, get things moving.
For others they can be a place of dread. Large meetings and a fear of public speaking are troublesome. Senior management or aggressive colleagues dealing out humiliation can happen. Sometimes the whole meeting is a set up to apportion blame and duck responsibility.
It is best to try to stay awake and not draw attention to yourself. If you must speak then keep it brief and on point. Resist the temptation to retell the joke that sounded so good in the bar last night.
Don't rest your feet on the table.
Noisy Colleagues
If you share an office space with hundreds of other people they become like your family after a while.
A family that are just as irritating, unreasonable, nosy and annoying as a real family. Except you can't really tell them what you think of them.
I like the noisy worker cartoon because the image works OK and it is not too badly drawn. BUT I do not like the guy who sits there all day making stupid annoying noises.
I could have asked him to shut up but that would only result in him thinking I am weird and calling human resources who would confirm his right to act like that.
"Wear earplugs" people say. I can't repeat what I think.
A family that are just as irritating, unreasonable, nosy and annoying as a real family. Except you can't really tell them what you think of them.
I like the noisy worker cartoon because the image works OK and it is not too badly drawn. BUT I do not like the guy who sits there all day making stupid annoying noises.
I could have asked him to shut up but that would only result in him thinking I am weird and calling human resources who would confirm his right to act like that.
"Wear earplugs" people say. I can't repeat what I think.
Office Party
Does anyone - from the boss down to the worker - enjoy the office party?
A chance to relax, unwind, have a few drinks, make merry. Except that you need to be on your guard at all times. Like an extended informal job interview.
Chat briefly to top bosses about how much you enjoy work and their management of it. Do not get familiar with anyone. Do not take them home with you. Leave at the correct time - not too early and not too late.
If you get through the evening without ruining your career prospects then breath a sigh of relief.
Until the next one.
A special mention must go to the hell that is the Xmas Lunch. This occasion will be booked months in advance. Attendance is compulsory. Departments tend to sit in groups.
A minimal Turkey Dinner plus paper cup with measure of wine may be served, plus if budget permits, one cracker. Wear the paper hat. Make small conversation. Never tell anyone what you really think.
A chance to relax, unwind, have a few drinks, make merry. Except that you need to be on your guard at all times. Like an extended informal job interview.
Chat briefly to top bosses about how much you enjoy work and their management of it. Do not get familiar with anyone. Do not take them home with you. Leave at the correct time - not too early and not too late.
If you get through the evening without ruining your career prospects then breath a sigh of relief.
Until the next one.
A special mention must go to the hell that is the Xmas Lunch. This occasion will be booked months in advance. Attendance is compulsory. Departments tend to sit in groups.
A minimal Turkey Dinner plus paper cup with measure of wine may be served, plus if budget permits, one cracker. Wear the paper hat. Make small conversation. Never tell anyone what you really think.
Outsourcing and Offshoring
It all means the same thing. Redundancies. Skilled and loyal in-house workers become a victim of cost-cutting obsession.
The easiest way for second-rate short-term thinking management to improve profit is by cutting costs. A better way would be to increase sales and use that soon to be lost knowledge to make the business systems more flexible, innovative and efficient.
That would require skills that most temporary ladder-climbers do not possess and have no interest in acquiring. They move in, cut costs and move on again - leaving a temporary increase in profitability and a hollowed out shell of a business.
In a few years as the Indian and Philippines resource increase their own costs and lose what knowledge they once had of your business the company will collapse. But by then Mr.Cost Cutter will be doing the same thing at another once local company - destroying jobs and lives in the process.
The easiest way for second-rate short-term thinking management to improve profit is by cutting costs. A better way would be to increase sales and use that soon to be lost knowledge to make the business systems more flexible, innovative and efficient.
That would require skills that most temporary ladder-climbers do not possess and have no interest in acquiring. They move in, cut costs and move on again - leaving a temporary increase in profitability and a hollowed out shell of a business.
In a few years as the Indian and Philippines resource increase their own costs and lose what knowledge they once had of your business the company will collapse. But by then Mr.Cost Cutter will be doing the same thing at another once local company - destroying jobs and lives in the process.
People Who Sit on Your Desk
My desk space is my personal space where my keyboard, paper, coffee and other things go. It is not where some fat ignorant bloke should sit. Either stand or get yourself a chair.
People Who Talk to You When You Are Eating
Eating a sandwich or whatever at work is a high spot of the day. A bit of me time and eat time.
It is clearly obvious to anyone approaching what you are doing and you might think it would be polite of them to leave you in peace.
Some people just waltz on up and start discussing either work issues or their private lives neither of which come close to the pleasure of an uninterrupted bite to eat.
It is clearly obvious to anyone approaching what you are doing and you might think it would be polite of them to leave you in peace.
Some people just waltz on up and start discussing either work issues or their private lives neither of which come close to the pleasure of an uninterrupted bite to eat.
Pointless Paperwork
ITIL is a prime example of paper-pushing pointlessness. It stands for Information Technology Infrastructure Library and is as much fun and point as its stupid name suggests.
There are two prime ideas behind ITIL. One is to cover middle management so they need take no responsibility for anything that might go wrong. The other is to provide the useless waste of space ex-milk-monitor style person who owns it with a job for life.
A five minute coding job will now take half a day and be delayed by months while the necessary forms and approval are obtained.
ITIL is required because companies are down-skilling and outsourcing staff to the cheapest offshore bidders. There is no knowledge left within many corporations to run their own IT systems.
So they need to cover themselves in paperwork because that is all they have left.
There are two prime ideas behind ITIL. One is to cover middle management so they need take no responsibility for anything that might go wrong. The other is to provide the useless waste of space ex-milk-monitor style person who owns it with a job for life.
A five minute coding job will now take half a day and be delayed by months while the necessary forms and approval are obtained.
ITIL is required because companies are down-skilling and outsourcing staff to the cheapest offshore bidders. There is no knowledge left within many corporations to run their own IT systems.
So they need to cover themselves in paperwork because that is all they have left.
Quick Question
This is a misleading opening gambit from a colleague. "Hi, just a quick question" they start with as you look up from your work, sandwich or internet browsing.
They don't mean "quick question". What they actually mean is "quick answer". They want an immediate solution to their query.
Of course, if they had asked for a quick answer I could simply (and quickly) respond "No".
They don't mean "quick question". What they actually mean is "quick answer". They want an immediate solution to their query.
Of course, if they had asked for a quick answer I could simply (and quickly) respond "No".
Redundancy
Traditionally that means where a job for life worker who has been somewhere for many years is 'let go'. Their experience and dedication to service is no longer required. They are 'surplus to requirements'.
The genius new broom can get similar service cheaper in foreign countries or can do away with that part of the business. The chances are they will have moved on before anyone figures out just how valuable and decent that person was.
In a company where cut backs are occurring the place gradually shuts down and gives up. Workers shuffle along waiting for their redundancy payment having lost all belief in the company or the management. It rips the heart and soul out.
Ever share an office with people who have worked there for years and are crying because they just got told they were entering the 'consultation' period before redundancy? It is a miserable experience.
The genius new broom can get similar service cheaper in foreign countries or can do away with that part of the business. The chances are they will have moved on before anyone figures out just how valuable and decent that person was.
In a company where cut backs are occurring the place gradually shuts down and gives up. Workers shuffle along waiting for their redundancy payment having lost all belief in the company or the management. It rips the heart and soul out.
Ever share an office with people who have worked there for years and are crying because they just got told they were entering the 'consultation' period before redundancy? It is a miserable experience.
Redundancy - Part 2
The threat of redundancy hangs over everyone. In the West it is because jobs are going abroad and in the East because someone else can do it cheaper.
The management controlling this don't know what they are doing. They don't understand the systems they are replacing, think about the workers or even their own children who might one day want a job. They are under orders to cut costs.
Proper business people and pioneers like Henry Ford saw the bigger picture. He wanted his workers to be able to buy the cars they produced. He understood the social aspect of business - how it fits in with the local economy so the whole environment prospers.
Short term cost cutting in the West will lead to long term problems. There may not be enough rich Chinese to buy all the products that Western workers could once afford.
The management controlling this don't know what they are doing. They don't understand the systems they are replacing, think about the workers or even their own children who might one day want a job. They are under orders to cut costs.
Proper business people and pioneers like Henry Ford saw the bigger picture. He wanted his workers to be able to buy the cars they produced. He understood the social aspect of business - how it fits in with the local economy so the whole environment prospers.
Short term cost cutting in the West will lead to long term problems. There may not be enough rich Chinese to buy all the products that Western workers could once afford.
Restroom Cubicles
At home I have a nice bathroom where I can sit in peace and quiet.
I do not have someone sat within a couple of feet of me, separated by a thin piece of wood that has a six inch gap at the bottom.
Work washrooms are one of my main gripes about office life. As for the single sheets of paper that they supply... what the heck is the point of that?
Do people really steal toilet rolls from the office? You stand there counting out sheets of paper that come out ripped or don't come out at all.
An added problem having watched the film Parental Guidance is being unable to get the song "Come out, come out Mr.Doody" out of my head. Must remember to NOT start singing it while sitting there.
I do not have someone sat within a couple of feet of me, separated by a thin piece of wood that has a six inch gap at the bottom.
Work washrooms are one of my main gripes about office life. As for the single sheets of paper that they supply... what the heck is the point of that?
Do people really steal toilet rolls from the office? You stand there counting out sheets of paper that come out ripped or don't come out at all.
An added problem having watched the film Parental Guidance is being unable to get the song "Come out, come out Mr.Doody" out of my head. Must remember to NOT start singing it while sitting there.
Retiring
The offical retirement age when the government will pay you back some of the tax you gave them becomes ever older. At this rate people will be working into and beyond their graves.
No matter no one wants to employ an older person. Joined up thinking in government? Lol.
The banks sold private pensions to people while companies weaselled their way out of their own pension commitments.
The net effect is an increasingly uncertain future for people.
If you have a marketable skill or business idea - creating your own retired gig economy may be worth a shot. Something to occupy the time and make some extra money. Work from home, tend gardens, walk dogs - those sorts of things to stay active.
And keep a roof over your head.
No matter no one wants to employ an older person. Joined up thinking in government? Lol.
The banks sold private pensions to people while companies weaselled their way out of their own pension commitments.
The net effect is an increasingly uncertain future for people.
If you have a marketable skill or business idea - creating your own retired gig economy may be worth a shot. Something to occupy the time and make some extra money. Work from home, tend gardens, walk dogs - those sorts of things to stay active.
And keep a roof over your head.
Ring Tones
Mobile phones are great. You can organise your social life, have fun, pay bills and all while pretending to work.
The problem is the ring tone. A mobile phone ringing loudly in an open plan office is a distraction and annoyance. Especially if it has a jaunty humorous tone.
Some ring tones are entirely inappropriate for the office. They mostly detract from the image of cool authority that the owner usually tries to convey.
Turn it down, set to vibrate or - well no one does this - turn the thing off!
The problem is the ring tone. A mobile phone ringing loudly in an open plan office is a distraction and annoyance. Especially if it has a jaunty humorous tone.
Some ring tones are entirely inappropriate for the office. They mostly detract from the image of cool authority that the owner usually tries to convey.
Turn it down, set to vibrate or - well no one does this - turn the thing off!
Robots
The robots are coming. The dead-eyed tech psychopaths are pouring money into robotic and AI development. The lucky billionaires pronounce a world of Universal Basic Income and free time for all to 'pursue our dreams'.
It may be a great future for Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and the other elites but the chances of workers profiting from a robot revolution are non existent.
Robots will take jobs from people leaving them with nothing. If UBI happens it will be poverty level subsistence at best.
We can't all work for Facebook.
It may be a great future for Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg and the other elites but the chances of workers profiting from a robot revolution are non existent.
Robots will take jobs from people leaving them with nothing. If UBI happens it will be poverty level subsistence at best.
We can't all work for Facebook.
Sleep
Or rather, lack of it. The worker bees, especially those that commute, never get enough sleep.
Slow Walkers
The slow walkers are groups of office workers moving from one part of the building to another – perhaps to a meeting or a tea break. They move at the speed of the slowest who possesses that measured tread borne of people who never contribute more than they need to.
Who if they ever went the extra mile would take an age to get there.
It would be too much to expect them to notice they take up the full width of the corridor. They could step aside and allow you to pass. No. All people must move at the pace of the slowest – a motto for job-for-life lazy workers everywhere.
Who if they ever went the extra mile would take an age to get there.
It would be too much to expect them to notice they take up the full width of the corridor. They could step aside and allow you to pass. No. All people must move at the pace of the slowest – a motto for job-for-life lazy workers everywhere.
Stress
Sometimes a wave of stress arrives when a combination of issues build or you just simply feel overwhelmed. You might be feeling stressed out due to a work-load that consists of endless unplanned and undocumented requirements.
Working with a bunch of people who are either too lazy or too incompetent to offer assistance.
Or coming home to more email requests and looking forward to another day of irritating and stressful hassle.
Often feeling useless and pathetic because there seems to be no way out. We all need money to live and there are not so many alternatives to choose from. That makes the stress feel worse.
Work and the lazy useless people you work for, with, and against can kill you. If you ever have an alternative for goodness sake take it.
Working with a bunch of people who are either too lazy or too incompetent to offer assistance.
Or coming home to more email requests and looking forward to another day of irritating and stressful hassle.
Often feeling useless and pathetic because there seems to be no way out. We all need money to live and there are not so many alternatives to choose from. That makes the stress feel worse.
Work and the lazy useless people you work for, with, and against can kill you. If you ever have an alternative for goodness sake take it.
Tax
How come workers pay so much tax when the corporations pay next to nothing?
My salary has tax deducted at source. It is paid into a bank account where charges and tax on interest are paid. Most goods and services have tax added. Savings are taxed. Pensions are taxed.
Everything is taxed.
But hold on. Global corporations are allowed to shuffle money around the world through favourable tax regimes and straight into shareholder pockets. Yep. That seems fair.
My salary has tax deducted at source. It is paid into a bank account where charges and tax on interest are paid. Most goods and services have tax added. Savings are taxed. Pensions are taxed.
Everything is taxed.
But hold on. Global corporations are allowed to shuffle money around the world through favourable tax regimes and straight into shareholder pockets. Yep. That seems fair.
Urgent Priorities
In theory there is a scale of priorities for organising work load. In practice there are two. One never gets done and the other is Urgent.
Always Urgent with an occasional heading of Extremely Urgent to make a change.
Urgent is a fire in the building or someone collapsed with a heart attack brought on by too much stress. Some half-wit request for a last minute report is not urgent. Their bad planning leads to office stress and puts an unfair strain on colleagues.
Urgent means failure to plan.
Here is a way of dealing with priorities, reducing stress and being irritating at the same time. In response to an immediate, critical or urgent request consider this.
Did someone die?
Has a child gone missing?
Is a pet sick?
Has the central heating boiler packed up?
All work related issues are less important than any of those things. It is about gaining perspective and control. The latest hysterical request from work does not come close in terms of priority to real life.
Always Urgent with an occasional heading of Extremely Urgent to make a change.
Urgent is a fire in the building or someone collapsed with a heart attack brought on by too much stress. Some half-wit request for a last minute report is not urgent. Their bad planning leads to office stress and puts an unfair strain on colleagues.
Urgent means failure to plan.
Here is a way of dealing with priorities, reducing stress and being irritating at the same time. In response to an immediate, critical or urgent request consider this.
Did someone die?
Has a child gone missing?
Is a pet sick?
Has the central heating boiler packed up?
All work related issues are less important than any of those things. It is about gaining perspective and control. The latest hysterical request from work does not come close in terms of priority to real life.
Waking Up
Waking up at a ridiculous time in the morning, especially when it is a dark winter morning. In the summer it is not so bad because everyone wants to jump out of bed at 5am - don't they? The alarm clock wakes me up and a new day starts.
Birds, animals and retired people stay snug in their beds until long after I have set off on the drive.
I could handle a morning start at about 10am with the paper, coffee and a bacon* sandwich. And no work. Now that would be civilised.
* bacon is still legal in some countries
Birds, animals and retired people stay snug in their beds until long after I have set off on the drive.
I could handle a morning start at about 10am with the paper, coffee and a bacon* sandwich. And no work. Now that would be civilised.
* bacon is still legal in some countries
Watching the Clock
I always used to think that watching the clock was a way of making the day longer. Now I am less sure. You might as well watch the clock as read stupid emails from annoying people who try to hassle you.
Watch the clock and eventually it will reach toilet break, lunchtime or that blessed end of the day time.
Thank goodness for that! We can do it all again tomorrow.
Watch the clock and eventually it will reach toilet break, lunchtime or that blessed end of the day time.
Thank goodness for that! We can do it all again tomorrow.
Wikipedia Defacing
A small delicious highlight. One of the soon to be or recently outsourced workers amended the company Wiki page to contain derogatory remarks about the company and it's laughable plans for the future.
This top secret news swept round a delighted office leading to much furtive merriment. The directors, including the CEO who was likened to Zippo the Clown, are on the warpath.
Funny stuff and a lesson for all those pathetic people who think they can use social media and the internet for business.
It's a two-way street - dummies.
After the cleverly satirical and hard-hitting update was made to the corporate Wiki page the management consulted their social media experts. The derogatory edit was available in the history for all to see, and plenty did. The Zippo the Clown moniker was in danger of sticking.
The in-house Social Media staff came up with the idea of making further edits to the page. This time they were not funny, clever or hard-hitting but looked like clumsy edits. That cleverly hides the original defacing and alters the staff perception of the phantom editor. Now they are no longer a hero but a boring nuisance.
This top secret news swept round a delighted office leading to much furtive merriment. The directors, including the CEO who was likened to Zippo the Clown, are on the warpath.
Funny stuff and a lesson for all those pathetic people who think they can use social media and the internet for business.
It's a two-way street - dummies.
After the cleverly satirical and hard-hitting update was made to the corporate Wiki page the management consulted their social media experts. The derogatory edit was available in the history for all to see, and plenty did. The Zippo the Clown moniker was in danger of sticking.
The in-house Social Media staff came up with the idea of making further edits to the page. This time they were not funny, clever or hard-hitting but looked like clumsy edits. That cleverly hides the original defacing and alters the staff perception of the phantom editor. Now they are no longer a hero but a boring nuisance.
Working Till You Die
Many years ago people were predicting a life of leisure - where robots would serve us and we would retire at 50.
It didn't happen.
What actually happened is that the private pension providers ripped everyone off, house price inflation introduced generations to a lifetime of crippling mortgage debt and outsourcing jobs globally hammered Western wages into the ground.
Now everyone is broke. That is a pretty depressing thought when you are working. You may be doing this until you die with no way out.
It didn't happen.
What actually happened is that the private pension providers ripped everyone off, house price inflation introduced generations to a lifetime of crippling mortgage debt and outsourcing jobs globally hammered Western wages into the ground.
Now everyone is broke. That is a pretty depressing thought when you are working. You may be doing this until you die with no way out.
Zero Hours Contracts
The idea behind these contracts is that you work when the company needs you. If they don't need you - no work.
This seems to go against all the rights that workers have acquired over the years. It gives complete control over your life to people who care about career and costs ahead of duty or responsibility to staff.
It would be nice to win the lottery and be able to say to management - "I am placing you on zero hours".
"I quit".
This seems to go against all the rights that workers have acquired over the years. It gives complete control over your life to people who care about career and costs ahead of duty or responsibility to staff.
It would be nice to win the lottery and be able to say to management - "I am placing you on zero hours".
"I quit".
Zoom
I stopped working in an office long before Zoom became a thing. Would definitely hate it.
More Work and Office Moans to Come
I have hundreds of things to moan about but I still have a job. It will take a little time to get them all down in a way that makes them worth a scan.
So please cut me some slack.
There is no need to leave a sarcastic email in my inbox asking why I have not yet completed it. And yes, I know it is high priority and it should have been delivered last Friday.
So please cut me some slack.
There is no need to leave a sarcastic email in my inbox asking why I have not yet completed it. And yes, I know it is high priority and it should have been delivered last Friday.
In Fairness to Work
This piece was written at a low point towards the end of my nine to five working career. It is completely negative, that was the purpose of it.
But there are many good things about work and working to briefly mention here.
Work gives a structure and purpose to life. Without that discipline I would have been a lost soul, drifting aimlessly.
There are many highs associated with working. Being part of a performing team. Meeting colleagues and making friends. Respect for yourself as a professional and for others too. Acquiring mentors throughout a career to help you move to the next stage.
Occasional thanks from customers, colleagues and even the big bosses from time to time.
A feeling of a job well done is not an easy thing to replace.
Thanks for reading and good luck with your own work experience.
May you prosper.
But there are many good things about work and working to briefly mention here.
Work gives a structure and purpose to life. Without that discipline I would have been a lost soul, drifting aimlessly.
There are many highs associated with working. Being part of a performing team. Meeting colleagues and making friends. Respect for yourself as a professional and for others too. Acquiring mentors throughout a career to help you move to the next stage.
Occasional thanks from customers, colleagues and even the big bosses from time to time.
A feeling of a job well done is not an easy thing to replace.
Thanks for reading and good luck with your own work experience.
May you prosper.