Funny Plumbing Story
I have been interested in plumbing since I was knee high to something quite small, and as soon I could do something that bigger people do I got into this plumbing thing.
A lot of people might sniff and say “Plumbing? Who cares” but I wasn’t like other kids. I would run home from school (we couldn't afford a car), and be up to my elbows in sewage related problems whenever I could.
Fortunately with two incontinent relatives living at home there was always something for me to do in the unblocking department.
Whichever dad I happened to have at the time - can’t remember names, not important - would normally let me use the tool box. I would practice learning all the names of the equipment – monkey wrench, hammer, pliers – until I was able to recognise them blindfold.
One day mother took the blindfold off and I could see the tools for myself. It was a revelation. They were old and rusty, and even when new were probably a bit cheap. That was when I resolved to make something of myself one day and become a plumber. Then I would be able to afford proper tools.
Unfortunately a war probably came along (it’s just a story – go with it), and I expect I was horribly disfigured. That is the best start when you need to build to some kind of triumphant plumbing related climax. I spent many months in a state penitentiary (ed: sanatorium?) until the nurses decided I was ready to leave.
I say ‘decided’ – they actually took a vote, and it was nearly 100% in favour. It was 100%.
In the days that followed my expulsion I checked out local jobs. Electrician, bank clerk, toothpaste sales representative – all brilliant of course, but they didn’t call to me. Then on the Friday in the Gazette, was the advert I had been looking for.
A lot of people might sniff and say “Plumbing? Who cares” but I wasn’t like other kids. I would run home from school (we couldn't afford a car), and be up to my elbows in sewage related problems whenever I could.
Fortunately with two incontinent relatives living at home there was always something for me to do in the unblocking department.
Whichever dad I happened to have at the time - can’t remember names, not important - would normally let me use the tool box. I would practice learning all the names of the equipment – monkey wrench, hammer, pliers – until I was able to recognise them blindfold.
One day mother took the blindfold off and I could see the tools for myself. It was a revelation. They were old and rusty, and even when new were probably a bit cheap. That was when I resolved to make something of myself one day and become a plumber. Then I would be able to afford proper tools.
Unfortunately a war probably came along (it’s just a story – go with it), and I expect I was horribly disfigured. That is the best start when you need to build to some kind of triumphant plumbing related climax. I spent many months in a state penitentiary (ed: sanatorium?) until the nurses decided I was ready to leave.
I say ‘decided’ – they actually took a vote, and it was nearly 100% in favour. It was 100%.
In the days that followed my expulsion I checked out local jobs. Electrician, bank clerk, toothpaste sales representative – all brilliant of course, but they didn’t call to me. Then on the Friday in the Gazette, was the advert I had been looking for.
“Trainee Plumber Wanted”
It was in the dark period before the internet, and they wanted a letter of application so that was my weekend gone.
I posted it on the Monday and was so eager and anxious it seemed like weeks before I got a reply.
It was weeks before I got a reply. They were interested and could I attend an interview?
Could I? You bet your jolly Jehovah’s I could. I hot tailed it...
ed: can we stop it with the faux Americana?
... down to the joint and prayed I would give a good interview.
To cut a long story short… actually let’s string it out a bit first if you don’t mind… the interview went OK. But it didn’t have that killer moment where you look into their eyes and you see their soul offering you the job. So I did my party trick.
“Can I get my tools out?” I asked, and they agreed cautiously. I put my blindfold on.
I felt for the box catch, sprung it open and started feeling around. “Spanner” I said.
“One inch washer” I said. I’m sure I heard a gasp of surprise at this point.
“Self tapping tappety thing” I said, and there was a ripple of applause and a murmur of “go on my son” and “back of the net”.
At this point I would have been able to see they were impressed had I not been wearing a blindfold. I took it off.
“You got the job son” they said.
I posted it on the Monday and was so eager and anxious it seemed like weeks before I got a reply.
It was weeks before I got a reply. They were interested and could I attend an interview?
Could I? You bet your jolly Jehovah’s I could. I hot tailed it...
ed: can we stop it with the faux Americana?
... down to the joint and prayed I would give a good interview.
To cut a long story short… actually let’s string it out a bit first if you don’t mind… the interview went OK. But it didn’t have that killer moment where you look into their eyes and you see their soul offering you the job. So I did my party trick.
“Can I get my tools out?” I asked, and they agreed cautiously. I put my blindfold on.
I felt for the box catch, sprung it open and started feeling around. “Spanner” I said.
“One inch washer” I said. I’m sure I heard a gasp of surprise at this point.
“Self tapping tappety thing” I said, and there was a ripple of applause and a murmur of “go on my son” and “back of the net”.
At this point I would have been able to see they were impressed had I not been wearing a blindfold. I took it off.
“You got the job son” they said.
A Career in Plumbing
So I started as a trainee and trained. I learned all about plumbing and plumbing situations.
I learned how to do that intake of breath, look sad and say six hundred dollars as though I hadn’t just plucked the figure out of thin air.
When I started earning enough money to have a bit spare I started saving. There was something I’d always wanted during my school years, my army years, my hospital months and my trainee plumber days.
It was the full on set of Drano equipment.
Note: At this point in the story I checked the Drano product line on Amazon – mistakenly thinking they sold plumbing tools. They don’t. Bother.
I learned how to do that intake of breath, look sad and say six hundred dollars as though I hadn’t just plucked the figure out of thin air.
When I started earning enough money to have a bit spare I started saving. There was something I’d always wanted during my school years, my army years, my hospital months and my trainee plumber days.
It was the full on set of Drano equipment.
Note: At this point in the story I checked the Drano product line on Amazon – mistakenly thinking they sold plumbing tools. They don’t. Bother.
What I really wanted
No, I didn’t need tools of course. I already had tools. What I needed was drain clog related product.
You see, if you are a busy plumber and someone calls you in for a blockage, then it would be nice to bill them for a new sewage system and when their backs are turned just pour some of this miracle stuff down the drains.
Up until this part of the story though I had never been in a position to buy genuine Drano product from Amazon.
Why? Because this is a few years back and I probably still didn’t have an internet connection.
Anyway, if you will allow me to continue without further interruption, I am building towards the best day in my life. Apart from when our favourite child was born of course. Not so much the second one.
Imagine if I, the local plumber at Plumb-You-Up, could purchase the range of products for unclogging drains (ed: finally, some research). There would be nothing holding me back in my quest to become the number one plumber in the area. All those years of practicing expressions like…
.. would now be put to use.
You see, if you are a busy plumber and someone calls you in for a blockage, then it would be nice to bill them for a new sewage system and when their backs are turned just pour some of this miracle stuff down the drains.
Up until this part of the story though I had never been in a position to buy genuine Drano product from Amazon.
Why? Because this is a few years back and I probably still didn’t have an internet connection.
Anyway, if you will allow me to continue without further interruption, I am building towards the best day in my life. Apart from when our favourite child was born of course. Not so much the second one.
Imagine if I, the local plumber at Plumb-You-Up, could purchase the range of products for unclogging drains (ed: finally, some research). There would be nothing holding me back in my quest to become the number one plumber in the area. All those years of practicing expressions like…
- “Unblock your drain Madam?”
- “At your service”
- “It’s completely unclogged”
- “Six hundred dollars”
.. would now be put to use.
The Drano Purchase
I logged onto Amazon and was staggered by the range of unclogging product available. But I didn’t want any old product. Oh no. I wanted Drano.
Why buy anything less than top of the range when you can, er, buy top of the range? So I typed in Drano and got busy with my credit card. No point in holding back when there are drains to be unblocked.
I got the gel, the plunger, the foamer and the snake as well. When those beauties arrived they went straight in the back of the van ready for my next emergency call out.
edit: On reading back that description of available products I want to assure you this is a family safe page.
Why buy anything less than top of the range when you can, er, buy top of the range? So I typed in Drano and got busy with my credit card. No point in holding back when there are drains to be unblocked.
I got the gel, the plunger, the foamer and the snake as well. When those beauties arrived they went straight in the back of the van ready for my next emergency call out.
edit: On reading back that description of available products I want to assure you this is a family safe page.
The Emergency Call Out
These happen all the time. To the customer they’re an emergency, to me they’re a nuisance.
Apart from plumbing regularly I also do a bit of spoof internet writing, and the calls always come just as I am getting into the swing of another misleading story.
Still, as I can make more money changing a ten cent washer than writing a Kindle on indoor plumbing, I try to be polite.
The phone rings. “What?” I say.
“Is that the Plumb-You-Up service?” says a little old lady.
“That’s us” I say, and then a smooth and practiced “What do you want?”
“My husband's not been well and we have an unwelcome blockage in the upstairs water closet” says the lady. “Can you fix it or should I just pour some unclogger down it?”.
I asked what type she was planning to use, it wasn’t Drano, phew – and I told her that her cheap stuff wouldn’t work and would just make things worse. Plumbing is a bit like doctoring – the patient will believe anything you tell them. For all I know it might be true. I only use Drano.
Anyway, to finally cut a long story short, a story which seems to have totally missed out on the hundred and one plumbing related possible puns – I turned up at her house.
One capful of Drano, blockage cleared, six hundred dollars in my pocket and I’m doing the irritating plumber whistle all the way home.
“Buy Drano – it will keep you Sane –oh”
Apart from plumbing regularly I also do a bit of spoof internet writing, and the calls always come just as I am getting into the swing of another misleading story.
Still, as I can make more money changing a ten cent washer than writing a Kindle on indoor plumbing, I try to be polite.
The phone rings. “What?” I say.
“Is that the Plumb-You-Up service?” says a little old lady.
“That’s us” I say, and then a smooth and practiced “What do you want?”
“My husband's not been well and we have an unwelcome blockage in the upstairs water closet” says the lady. “Can you fix it or should I just pour some unclogger down it?”.
I asked what type she was planning to use, it wasn’t Drano, phew – and I told her that her cheap stuff wouldn’t work and would just make things worse. Plumbing is a bit like doctoring – the patient will believe anything you tell them. For all I know it might be true. I only use Drano.
Anyway, to finally cut a long story short, a story which seems to have totally missed out on the hundred and one plumbing related possible puns – I turned up at her house.
One capful of Drano, blockage cleared, six hundred dollars in my pocket and I’m doing the irritating plumber whistle all the way home.
“Buy Drano – it will keep you Sane –oh”
End of Plumbing Page
Thanks for reading. Apologies might be more in order, but on this occasion thanks will have to do. Cheques can be sent to my home address.
Legal requirements force me to state I am not a professional plumber or connected in any way whatsoever with the plumbing trade. The suggested charge of six hundred dollars to replace a washer is misleading because sometimes they can charge a bit less than that.
Also sadly, I cannot do the blindfold trick.
Legal requirements force me to state I am not a professional plumber or connected in any way whatsoever with the plumbing trade. The suggested charge of six hundred dollars to replace a washer is misleading because sometimes they can charge a bit less than that.
Also sadly, I cannot do the blindfold trick.