Funny CV
This funny CV is an example of how not to apply for a job.
It is the kind of application that some of us, if being dangerously truthful, could probably send in.
People hoping to avoid a real job and carry on living at home might even get some useful guidance from it.
It is the kind of application that some of us, if being dangerously truthful, could probably send in.
People hoping to avoid a real job and carry on living at home might even get some useful guidance from it.
The Cover Letter
Dear Megacorp,
I am writing to apply for the job you advertised as an exciting opportunity to stretch myself. Lol, like I'm Elastic Man.
I guess the last person left in a hurry and you puffed up this position to make it sound way better than it is. You have tried real hard to make up for rubbish money and no prospects so well done for that.
Most work is a tedious soul-destroying occupation for useless people who have given up hope of doing something proper like being an influencer.
However, my probation officer AND the benefits office are saying I have to "show some effort".
Fascists.
Here's my application and profile pic.
Mark Ewbie
I am writing to apply for the job you advertised as an exciting opportunity to stretch myself. Lol, like I'm Elastic Man.
I guess the last person left in a hurry and you puffed up this position to make it sound way better than it is. You have tried real hard to make up for rubbish money and no prospects so well done for that.
Most work is a tedious soul-destroying occupation for useless people who have given up hope of doing something proper like being an influencer.
However, my probation officer AND the benefits office are saying I have to "show some effort".
Fascists.
Here's my application and profile pic.
Mark Ewbie
My CV
Before I start writing this application - let's be honest with each other.
You know this will be a tissue of lies from start to finish. I try to sound like the perfect potential employee and you won't even read it.
There will be hundreds of applications. After a brief time delay for appearances sake you will give the job to a relative or some girl you are trying to get Jiggy with Miss Piggy.
Here's the gravy.
Education. I didn't like school and they didn't like me.
Work Experience. I have experienced work and I don't like it. Getting up in the morning, commuting, work colleagues and working are for losers. Most jobs are poorly rewarded and my bosses all have the wrong attitude to getting the best out of me.
Criminal Record. There is no legal need to state convictions on this job application as it does not involve working with children, old people or animals. Any and all current court cases are innocent unless proven guilty - which I won't be.
References. If you insist on a reference my mate Dave will knock one up on a screen shot of headed notepaper which he can grab off the net.
Hobbies. Chess, swimming, recreational drugs and pizza.
You know this will be a tissue of lies from start to finish. I try to sound like the perfect potential employee and you won't even read it.
There will be hundreds of applications. After a brief time delay for appearances sake you will give the job to a relative or some girl you are trying to get Jiggy with Miss Piggy.
Here's the gravy.
Education. I didn't like school and they didn't like me.
Work Experience. I have experienced work and I don't like it. Getting up in the morning, commuting, work colleagues and working are for losers. Most jobs are poorly rewarded and my bosses all have the wrong attitude to getting the best out of me.
Criminal Record. There is no legal need to state convictions on this job application as it does not involve working with children, old people or animals. Any and all current court cases are innocent unless proven guilty - which I won't be.
References. If you insist on a reference my mate Dave will knock one up on a screen shot of headed notepaper which he can grab off the net.
Hobbies. Chess, swimming, recreational drugs and pizza.
Suitability for Your Job
I read your pathetic job advert and looked at your ugly soulless building on a drive-by.
I am not interested in working for a bunch of losers with second rate college degrees. But if you need to make the numbers up for a government sponsored scheme to give the bone idle a wage for doing absolutely nothing - I can make myself available between regular sick days.
My capacity for doing no work will mean I slot right in with the other slackers you employ.
I am not interested in working for a bunch of losers with second rate college degrees. But if you need to make the numbers up for a government sponsored scheme to give the bone idle a wage for doing absolutely nothing - I can make myself available between regular sick days.
My capacity for doing no work will mean I slot right in with the other slackers you employ.
Work History
My mate Dave said you might be a pedantic tosser who wants to check all the dates of past employment.
I said no-one could be that sad and pathetic but in case it helps swing the deal...
This Year
Currently looking for work since last employer sacked me for gross indiscretion. Lol. If they thought that was gross they should get out a bit more.
January - February
Assistant intern at local leisure centre. Briefly responsible for changing room supervision and towel folding.
Last Year
December
Worked part-time at a local baker. Turned out I had a rare bread allergy or something. They suggested I broaden my horizons and escorted me from the premises.
November
Looking for work. Did a bit of cash work for Dave.
September - October
Landscape gardening.
August
Under certain restrictions due to a misunderstanding with local law enforcement.
May-July
Running an indoor garden for Dave in a squat until closed down in a bit of a hurry.
April and earlier
No one can remember that far back but on the internet it says "college" will cover any gaps. So yeah. College.
I said no-one could be that sad and pathetic but in case it helps swing the deal...
This Year
Currently looking for work since last employer sacked me for gross indiscretion. Lol. If they thought that was gross they should get out a bit more.
January - February
Assistant intern at local leisure centre. Briefly responsible for changing room supervision and towel folding.
Last Year
December
Worked part-time at a local baker. Turned out I had a rare bread allergy or something. They suggested I broaden my horizons and escorted me from the premises.
November
Looking for work. Did a bit of cash work for Dave.
September - October
Landscape gardening.
August
Under certain restrictions due to a misunderstanding with local law enforcement.
May-July
Running an indoor garden for Dave in a squat until closed down in a bit of a hurry.
April and earlier
No one can remember that far back but on the internet it says "college" will cover any gaps. So yeah. College.
Interview Questions
My mate Dave said if you bother with an interview there is usually a load of stupid questions that people ask. We made a list of the more common ones to save time.
Why do you want to work for us?
That is one of the dumbest questions if you don't mind me saying. Duh. I need the money.
What first attracted you to our company?
It was the advert mainly. It said you were offering a job. I need one. Technically I just need money but sadly that means some sort of stupid job title as well.
What can you offer our company?
Oh please. Are we all still in school? I can turn up most days except Mondays obviously. Go through the motions and collect a wage. I will try not to look too bored or aggressive.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Not in prison would be good. Anything more than that is a bonus.
Why should we offer you the job?
I can energise and re-imagine the role in order to bring new ideas and enthusiasm to your corporate model.
Not really. That was a joke Dave told me to put in.. If you don't offer me the job I will take you to court over discriminatory hiring practices.
Why do you want to work for us?
That is one of the dumbest questions if you don't mind me saying. Duh. I need the money.
What first attracted you to our company?
It was the advert mainly. It said you were offering a job. I need one. Technically I just need money but sadly that means some sort of stupid job title as well.
What can you offer our company?
Oh please. Are we all still in school? I can turn up most days except Mondays obviously. Go through the motions and collect a wage. I will try not to look too bored or aggressive.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Not in prison would be good. Anything more than that is a bonus.
Why should we offer you the job?
I can energise and re-imagine the role in order to bring new ideas and enthusiasm to your corporate model.
Not really. That was a joke Dave told me to put in.. If you don't offer me the job I will take you to court over discriminatory hiring practices.
Reference
"Five Star" Organic Farmers
Elms Trading Estate
Slough
Elms Trading Estate
Slough
Dear Friend.
Mark is a decent bloke. He is not too intelligent but is good fun to hang around with. One night we got so wasted he fell in a ditch and I had to call 911 for a pizza. It was a good laugh.
He likes the ladies a bit so keep them out of sight! Even the mingers.
I recommend Mark for this job because he is my mate and a good customer.
Mr. Dave Davey CEO
Mark is a decent bloke. He is not too intelligent but is good fun to hang around with. One night we got so wasted he fell in a ditch and I had to call 911 for a pizza. It was a good laugh.
He likes the ladies a bit so keep them out of sight! Even the mingers.
I recommend Mark for this job because he is my mate and a good customer.
Mr. Dave Davey CEO
What A Great CV!
I showed this CV to Dave. He was amazed with all the words and thought the fake reference was a genius idea.
He reckons you can get paid loads of money for doing dodgy CVs for people. I said it was more art than fake - a creative thing of beauty.
He said I was talking like a girl so I shut up. We had a chill out and a think about setting up a professional resume company so watch this space.
Job adverts sometimes say "Must have keen sense of humor". But they don't really mean it.
He reckons you can get paid loads of money for doing dodgy CVs for people. I said it was more art than fake - a creative thing of beauty.
He said I was talking like a girl so I shut up. We had a chill out and a think about setting up a professional resume company so watch this space.
Job adverts sometimes say "Must have keen sense of humor". But they don't really mean it.