How Many Managers Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
A sarcastic piece about corporate management which considers how many office managers are required to change one lightbulb.
My apologies if you were hoping for a quick answer to your query such as one, two or a hilarious number like thirty-seven.
Anyone who works in the mind-numbing slow grind of daily office life will know there is no such thing as a quick answer.
This article is a brief journey through the bureaucracy of modern day management. It contains a little humour and is based on experience of the typical corporate management picture. Where so many manage for so little return.
There are three answers below. A short one, a longer one and a story about a light-bulb changing event in an everyday office.
My apologies if you were hoping for a quick answer to your query such as one, two or a hilarious number like thirty-seven.
Anyone who works in the mind-numbing slow grind of daily office life will know there is no such thing as a quick answer.
This article is a brief journey through the bureaucracy of modern day management. It contains a little humour and is based on experience of the typical corporate management picture. Where so many manage for so little return.
There are three answers below. A short one, a longer one and a story about a light-bulb changing event in an everyday office.
Short Answer
None. Because managers don't actually DO anything.
Therefore if you are lucky and can get the job done without involving management - you don't need any.
Therefore if you are lucky and can get the job done without involving management - you don't need any.
Longer Answer
Many managers are required.
A project of the size of changing a light bulb will require approval, costing, planning, procurement, health and safety, technical support, post implementation care and the usual self congratulatory celebration.
Each skill set needs a manager, and this many managers needs managing.
With extensive planning you might get away with no more than ten. Don't forget the risk assessment process!
A project of the size of changing a light bulb will require approval, costing, planning, procurement, health and safety, technical support, post implementation care and the usual self congratulatory celebration.
Each skill set needs a manager, and this many managers needs managing.
With extensive planning you might get away with no more than ten. Don't forget the risk assessment process!
The Light Bulb Has Failed - An Illuminating Tale
An office worker who we will call Mark notices an office bulb is no longer working.
What to do?
Report it to someone higher up the food chain and hope they can get it sorted.
Mark types a brief email to his line manager explaining how the bulb needs replacing. Hoping for a positive response Mark goes home.
What to do?
Report it to someone higher up the food chain and hope they can get it sorted.
Mark types a brief email to his line manager explaining how the bulb needs replacing. Hoping for a positive response Mark goes home.
Line Managers - What Are They Good For?
For those unfamiliar with the anti war song by Edwin Starr - the title above should generate an automatic "Absolutely nothing" response. To make it clearer to younger readers I could have typed the whole thing in and created a headline good enough for Huffington Post.
Sigh. Back to the light bulb.
Mark’s manager is too busy brown nosing and firing off hundreds of pointless emails to read requests from lower level staff. He has not responded to the light bulb mail.
Mark wonders what to do.
By hanging around the coffee machine it is possible to accidentally bump into his manager, who has been seconded to a pointless and going nowhere project for a year, and ask him about the light bulb.
“Did you see my email?” says Mark
“No” says the piece of stupid who thinks he is Mark’s superior
“I need a new light bulb”
“Oh” says stupid. “Can you write out a cost / benefit analysis please”
Mark breathes deeply and spends half an hour figuring out what a cost / benefit analysis is and whether jumping in front of a train would improve his life. He writes a piece of garbage that a kindergarten kid could produce and mails it to his boss.
It contains words like light bulb, benefit, work productivity and the killer phrase – Health and Safety. H&S is like a trump card when it comes to getting things done. With more imagination Mark could have developed a migraine complaint from incorrect lighting, sued the company and never had to work again.
Sigh. Back to the light bulb.
Mark’s manager is too busy brown nosing and firing off hundreds of pointless emails to read requests from lower level staff. He has not responded to the light bulb mail.
Mark wonders what to do.
By hanging around the coffee machine it is possible to accidentally bump into his manager, who has been seconded to a pointless and going nowhere project for a year, and ask him about the light bulb.
“Did you see my email?” says Mark
“No” says the piece of stupid who thinks he is Mark’s superior
“I need a new light bulb”
“Oh” says stupid. “Can you write out a cost / benefit analysis please”
Mark breathes deeply and spends half an hour figuring out what a cost / benefit analysis is and whether jumping in front of a train would improve his life. He writes a piece of garbage that a kindergarten kid could produce and mails it to his boss.
It contains words like light bulb, benefit, work productivity and the killer phrase – Health and Safety. H&S is like a trump card when it comes to getting things done. With more imagination Mark could have developed a migraine complaint from incorrect lighting, sued the company and never had to work again.
Starting the Light Bulb Project
This time Mark’s boss responds. His mail, which is copied to a dozen other people, informs Mark that the procedures will be put in place to deal with this request. The first step will be to form a working party to organize a decision making process. Once this is underway it should not take too long to rectify the situation, assuming agreement can be reached.
There is rather more in the email but Mark has a short attention span for management bull.
A week or so later the working party holds the first kick-off meeting. They book one of the hundreds of meeting rooms and invite about thirty people. Introductions take half the morning followed by a pleasant coffee break.
By midday they have decided to make this task into a proper project with clear objectives and a budget. After an agreeable lunch they decide that all further decisions should be taken by the project manager, including the organising of a team to assess the situation.
The project manager is available to start immediately. This is a business term which means three weeks.
Mark continues to sit in the dark.
There is rather more in the email but Mark has a short attention span for management bull.
A week or so later the working party holds the first kick-off meeting. They book one of the hundreds of meeting rooms and invite about thirty people. Introductions take half the morning followed by a pleasant coffee break.
By midday they have decided to make this task into a proper project with clear objectives and a budget. After an agreeable lunch they decide that all further decisions should be taken by the project manager, including the organising of a team to assess the situation.
The project manager is available to start immediately. This is a business term which means three weeks.
Mark continues to sit in the dark.
The Grand Announcement
Project Light Bulb is announced in the in house online magazine. High expectations, major step forward, staff on board – the standard platitudes are trotted out.
Regular meetings are held to plan the project in detail. The costs rise and the timeframe will need to be extended. At one of these meetings alternatives are discussed.
New options are put on the table. These include doing nothing or outsourcing Mark’s work. The introduction of these new ideas from one of the graduate bright young things means that the cost / benefit analysis will have to be redone.
First they need permission to extend the scope of the project. It is handed up to senior management for one of their monthly meetings and lunch gatherings. By a stroke of luck this is discussed after lunch rather than immediately before, when they can be a bit tetchy. It is waved through.
For a couple of months the Light Bulb team work hard analysing the options and inviting a stream of experts to join them for meetings and lunch. It is suggested that they could visit an overseas branch to see how they manage light bulb procurement and replacement. The project manager is a wise old player and even he thinks they couldn’t pull that one off.
Regular meetings are held to plan the project in detail. The costs rise and the timeframe will need to be extended. At one of these meetings alternatives are discussed.
New options are put on the table. These include doing nothing or outsourcing Mark’s work. The introduction of these new ideas from one of the graduate bright young things means that the cost / benefit analysis will have to be redone.
First they need permission to extend the scope of the project. It is handed up to senior management for one of their monthly meetings and lunch gatherings. By a stroke of luck this is discussed after lunch rather than immediately before, when they can be a bit tetchy. It is waved through.
For a couple of months the Light Bulb team work hard analysing the options and inviting a stream of experts to join them for meetings and lunch. It is suggested that they could visit an overseas branch to see how they manage light bulb procurement and replacement. The project manager is a wise old player and even he thinks they couldn’t pull that one off.
Light Bulb Replacement Proposal Time
Eventually a proposal is formed. The idea of doing nothing has been abandoned because Health and Safety have pointed out that the offices are required by law to be sufficiently well lit for workers to find their way back to their desks after coffee breaks, meetings and lunch.
Although outsourcing is an option the company needs a few people working in their onshore offices for appearances sake and tax breaks. Importing cheap labor from abroad to work at the same jobs and desks as long serving, loyal, but more expensive staff would still require a replacement light bulb. They may be cheap but they don't have x-ray vision.
So it is full steam ahead for Project Light Bulb!
There is much excitement as a collection of smug self-satisfied wastes of space congratulate themselves on a project nearing fruition. An evening of reward for the team is planned and another announcement is made in the in house magazine.
Unfortunately at the last moment a hitch is discovered. The project has not met with technical approval. A new round of planning and meetings is required to facilitate further detailed discussions about the merits of low energy over traditional bulbs.
Finally the decision is made. Although the green lobby wanted low energy - the expense of the bulb and the charges for this project so far mean that costs need to be kept to an absolute minimum. Cheap and polluting it is!
If the green lobby cares so much about the planet she could try eating a little less.
The supplier is chosen and an order placed for one forty watt light bulb. With only a four week delivery time Mark can barely contain his excitement.
Although outsourcing is an option the company needs a few people working in their onshore offices for appearances sake and tax breaks. Importing cheap labor from abroad to work at the same jobs and desks as long serving, loyal, but more expensive staff would still require a replacement light bulb. They may be cheap but they don't have x-ray vision.
So it is full steam ahead for Project Light Bulb!
There is much excitement as a collection of smug self-satisfied wastes of space congratulate themselves on a project nearing fruition. An evening of reward for the team is planned and another announcement is made in the in house magazine.
Unfortunately at the last moment a hitch is discovered. The project has not met with technical approval. A new round of planning and meetings is required to facilitate further detailed discussions about the merits of low energy over traditional bulbs.
Finally the decision is made. Although the green lobby wanted low energy - the expense of the bulb and the charges for this project so far mean that costs need to be kept to an absolute minimum. Cheap and polluting it is!
If the green lobby cares so much about the planet she could try eating a little less.
The supplier is chosen and an order placed for one forty watt light bulb. With only a four week delivery time Mark can barely contain his excitement.
The Light Bulb Project Delivers
The grand day finally arrives. The head of maintenance puts his light bulb replacement plan in motion. An area of the office is fenced off and a team of workmen bearing ladders, warning signs and a clipboard arrive.
The member of the team with the highest score from the recent “how to use a ladder” course is chosen to replace the bulb. He ascends the ladder briefly and then descends. “No good” he mutters.
It turns out the bulb is a bayonet type rather than the screw fitting that was needed.
At this point an emergency project meeting is held. Before further work can take place they need to produce an assessment of what went wrong.
Meanwhile due to cost cutting Mark has been placed on short time. He continues to work in the dark. He watches management running round in circles and wonders why the top people have no idea what is wrong with their company.
“Are they all the same?” he thinks to himself.
To make up for working under a bunch of clueless idiots he writes semi amusing articles at home where he manages to replace the occasional light bulb on time and within budget.
The member of the team with the highest score from the recent “how to use a ladder” course is chosen to replace the bulb. He ascends the ladder briefly and then descends. “No good” he mutters.
It turns out the bulb is a bayonet type rather than the screw fitting that was needed.
At this point an emergency project meeting is held. Before further work can take place they need to produce an assessment of what went wrong.
Meanwhile due to cost cutting Mark has been placed on short time. He continues to work in the dark. He watches management running round in circles and wonders why the top people have no idea what is wrong with their company.
“Are they all the same?” he thinks to himself.
To make up for working under a bunch of clueless idiots he writes semi amusing articles at home where he manages to replace the occasional light bulb on time and within budget.