Funny Xmas A to Z
A page of funny Xmas stuff.
Looking forward to Xmas? Here is a random alphabetical collection of Xmas ideas - an accidentally useful checklist of activities occurring around the Xmas period.
From the start of the shopping season around Black Friday through to the Xmas dinner the various elements of a fun-packed frantic Xmas are covered in humorous illustrated AZ fashion.
Ideal for first timers celebrating a Christmas in their own place, busy people making sure they covered everything or those who need a little sarcasm with their Yuletide jollities.
The special message of Christmas is a time of peace to all men and for giving. We should also remember it is a time for receiving. Here is hoping that something good turns up in the stocking hung by the mantelpiece this year.
Looking forward to Xmas? Here is a random alphabetical collection of Xmas ideas - an accidentally useful checklist of activities occurring around the Xmas period.
From the start of the shopping season around Black Friday through to the Xmas dinner the various elements of a fun-packed frantic Xmas are covered in humorous illustrated AZ fashion.
Ideal for first timers celebrating a Christmas in their own place, busy people making sure they covered everything or those who need a little sarcasm with their Yuletide jollities.
The special message of Christmas is a time of peace to all men and for giving. We should also remember it is a time for receiving. Here is hoping that something good turns up in the stocking hung by the mantelpiece this year.
Think of this page as an extra gift at the bottom of the tree. A cheap afterthought to be looked at sometime in March and quickly regifted to someone else or a charity shop.
Contains a collection of Xmas thoughts, jokes, satire and some cartoon pictures. Part celebration, part mocking attempt to sum up this time of the year.
In festive spirit many of the pictures can be purchased as ideal gifts for people you have no idea what to buy this Xmas.
Contains a collection of Xmas thoughts, jokes, satire and some cartoon pictures. Part celebration, part mocking attempt to sum up this time of the year.
In festive spirit many of the pictures can be purchased as ideal gifts for people you have no idea what to buy this Xmas.
Advent
Advent is the period of expectant waiting before the Nativity celebrated by many churches. The countdown to Christmas.
The advent calendar available from all good stores has numbered doors leading up to the 25th. Behind each door is usually a small chocolate treat. This will keep the kids quiet for at least two nanoseconds per day. Some people eat the whole lot the first time they open them.
Advent calendars have expanded from the simple chocolate idea into cosmetics and luxury gifts. The Liberty beauty product calendar for 2017 cost £175, sold out in less than two days and was promptly available on eBay for double that price.
The advent calendar available from all good stores has numbered doors leading up to the 25th. Behind each door is usually a small chocolate treat. This will keep the kids quiet for at least two nanoseconds per day. Some people eat the whole lot the first time they open them.
Advent calendars have expanded from the simple chocolate idea into cosmetics and luxury gifts. The Liberty beauty product calendar for 2017 cost £175, sold out in less than two days and was promptly available on eBay for double that price.
Black Friday
Black Friday is the official start to Xmas Shopping - that dreaded period of trying to find suitable gifts for people. Plus a few bargains for yourself of course.
It is not a religious festival - more of an exercise in consumerist greed held immediately after the American Thanksgiving Day. A bit like January Sales except they hold the sale before Xmas.
In some years there have been mad crushes of people trying to get the bargains before they run out. There has been fighting in the aisles making cheap TV entertainment for those who stayed at home and can feel superior.
The internet availability of the same goods at the same low prices means those who don't fancy a punch-up can order with a click. When Black Friday only means a different banner heading on an internet screen it loses some of its appeal.
Some people love real shopping. Crowds, Xmas atmosphere, Jingle Bells playing in every store, the crush on public transport and the relief when you get home.
It is not a religious festival - more of an exercise in consumerist greed held immediately after the American Thanksgiving Day. A bit like January Sales except they hold the sale before Xmas.
In some years there have been mad crushes of people trying to get the bargains before they run out. There has been fighting in the aisles making cheap TV entertainment for those who stayed at home and can feel superior.
The internet availability of the same goods at the same low prices means those who don't fancy a punch-up can order with a click. When Black Friday only means a different banner heading on an internet screen it loses some of its appeal.
Some people love real shopping. Crowds, Xmas atmosphere, Jingle Bells playing in every store, the crush on public transport and the relief when you get home.
Board Games
Xmas time can be a rare occasion where the entire family gathers together. Before the Traditional Xmas Row there is usually a half-hearted attempt to play a board game.
If this is a new game purchased for the occasion or only played at Xmas - there will be an hour or so of checking and arguing about the rules. The person who half understands them will be appointed the game master and the others will grumble or fall asleep.
There is a good chance of the Traditional Xmas Row breaking out during the game.
When packing away make sure to lose at least one key piece of the game. This will add to the fun next Xmas.
If this is a new game purchased for the occasion or only played at Xmas - there will be an hour or so of checking and arguing about the rules. The person who half understands them will be appointed the game master and the others will grumble or fall asleep.
There is a good chance of the Traditional Xmas Row breaking out during the game.
When packing away make sure to lose at least one key piece of the game. This will add to the fun next Xmas.
Carols
Carols are like hymns with added fun.
With the exception of Silent Night and anything sung in Latin by a proper choral group they are mostly upbeat sing-a-longs ideal for some impromptu drunken carousing.
Featured are the Drummers from the Twelve Days of Christmas - one of the most well known of these songs.
With the exception of Silent Night and anything sung in Latin by a proper choral group they are mostly upbeat sing-a-longs ideal for some impromptu drunken carousing.
Featured are the Drummers from the Twelve Days of Christmas - one of the most well known of these songs.
Here are a couple of carol singers.
The idea is they turn up uninvited at your doorstep and you pay them to go away.
Like Trick or Treating with a Xmas feel to it.
The idea is they turn up uninvited at your doorstep and you pay them to go away.
Like Trick or Treating with a Xmas feel to it.
Commercial Xmas
Some people wrestle with their conscience at this time of year. Should they celebrate the Christian festival in a religious or purely commercial way - or simply ignore it completely? If there are children involved in their life - what should they tell them?
There are people who don't believe in Father Xmas for example! And they are adults so they should know better.
For starters - if there was no Father Xmas then who would look after the reindeer? These people don't have an answer to that simple logic.
It should be possible to have a reasonably affordable Xmas celebration for less than five thousand dollars. There is no excuse to give your child an orange and a boring speech about gratitude.
There are people who don't believe in Father Xmas for example! And they are adults so they should know better.
For starters - if there was no Father Xmas then who would look after the reindeer? These people don't have an answer to that simple logic.
It should be possible to have a reasonably affordable Xmas celebration for less than five thousand dollars. There is no excuse to give your child an orange and a boring speech about gratitude.
Crackers
There can be no better way to spend the day than with a tight paper crown pulled over your throbbing head. Too much food, drink, relatives and the joy of squinting at the joke you won in the cracker pulling.
How to win more than you lose.
Grab hold of the cracker further along so you have more chance of getting the bit with the present in.
A tiny plastic comb, hat and a joke means you start to profit from the Xmas extravagance. There may be a big credit card bill coming in January but YOU won the cracker pulling.
How to win more than you lose.
Grab hold of the cracker further along so you have more chance of getting the bit with the present in.
A tiny plastic comb, hat and a joke means you start to profit from the Xmas extravagance. There may be a big credit card bill coming in January but YOU won the cracker pulling.
Decorations
For now this page will have to do with a small sprig of holly. It is Xmassy, cheap and eco-friendly.
Before the commercialisation of Xmas and importation of plastic tat from China - a sprig of holly would be perfectly adequate for our predecessors.
A simple cutting from the neighbours holly tree - because no one in their right mind grows one of their own - and the festivities would be started. Watch out for the price of these cuttings before Xmas.
The sensible person might celebrate Xmas in mid January when everything is so much cheaper.
If you are really stuck - no neighbour, no tree - you could print this page off and make an attractive talking point for the centre of the dining table. "What the heck is that?" your guests might say.
Before the commercialisation of Xmas and importation of plastic tat from China - a sprig of holly would be perfectly adequate for our predecessors.
A simple cutting from the neighbours holly tree - because no one in their right mind grows one of their own - and the festivities would be started. Watch out for the price of these cuttings before Xmas.
The sensible person might celebrate Xmas in mid January when everything is so much cheaper.
If you are really stuck - no neighbour, no tree - you could print this page off and make an attractive talking point for the centre of the dining table. "What the heck is that?" your guests might say.
Delivery Dates
Online shopping is far easier than the High Street. Much of the Xmas spend is done online with a range of goods that far exceeds what is on offer locally - wherever you live.
Shopping online in November for delivery early December is brilliant.
Shopping in December as the final cut-off dates for Xmas delivery start to appear is not so much fun. Beware running out of time and check those dates because they vary across sites and individual products.
Green Monday - the second Monday of December - tends to be nearing the final delivery date period unless you pay extra to have it hand delivered by a chaffeur driven sleigh.
Shopping online in November for delivery early December is brilliant.
Shopping in December as the final cut-off dates for Xmas delivery start to appear is not so much fun. Beware running out of time and check those dates because they vary across sites and individual products.
Green Monday - the second Monday of December - tends to be nearing the final delivery date period unless you pay extra to have it hand delivered by a chaffeur driven sleigh.
Entertainment
There used to be a big film on the TV for Xmas day. A James Bond, Mary Poppins or some other blockbuster title.
Nowadays the media companies spend a lot of time telling us what delights to expect and it turns out that there is nothing on when the day comes.
Sit down and all watch at the same time entertainment is disappearing very quickly as that world becomes more fragmented. The kids, parents and grandparents will probably all be on the internet telling Facebook friends what a great time they are having.
Nowadays the media companies spend a lot of time telling us what delights to expect and it turns out that there is nothing on when the day comes.
Sit down and all watch at the same time entertainment is disappearing very quickly as that world becomes more fragmented. The kids, parents and grandparents will probably all be on the internet telling Facebook friends what a great time they are having.
Father Xmas Snack
Many people will leave a mince pie and a small glass of something warming for Santa to drink.
He will often have taken a nibble and had a sip when the kids come down to check if he has been.
You can be flexible with the treat. A pork pie and a couple of cans of beer will make an adequate midnight snack. Add more beer for the reindeer and that should keep Santa good and happy.
He will often have taken a nibble and had a sip when the kids come down to check if he has been.
You can be flexible with the treat. A pork pie and a couple of cans of beer will make an adequate midnight snack. Add more beer for the reindeer and that should keep Santa good and happy.
Gift Tags - Make Your Own
If you forget to buy those overpriced gift tags and are sat at home with the wrapping paper there is no need to panic.
Drawing a personal gift tag can make for a nice addition to the present.
It is good fun to see how many of those standard Xmas style images you can create with individual touches for friends and family.
Drawing a personal gift tag can make for a nice addition to the present.
It is good fun to see how many of those standard Xmas style images you can create with individual touches for friends and family.
Hanging Up Your Stocking
On the day before Xmas it is traditional to hang up your stockings.
Not many men have stockings these days as they went out of fashion in Edwardian times. Fortunately you can buy them at a very reasonable price from your local store.
Why do we only hang up one stocking for Xmas? In theory you could empty the entire sock drawer but Father Xmas only fills one per person.
It will be great to wake up in the morning and check out the goodies. In the old days we used to get a walnut and an orange but having written "iPad" on my letter to Santa this year I feel pretty confident.
Not many men have stockings these days as they went out of fashion in Edwardian times. Fortunately you can buy them at a very reasonable price from your local store.
Why do we only hang up one stocking for Xmas? In theory you could empty the entire sock drawer but Father Xmas only fills one per person.
It will be great to wake up in the morning and check out the goodies. In the old days we used to get a walnut and an orange but having written "iPad" on my letter to Santa this year I feel pretty confident.
Happy Holidays
In earlier times the traditional card greeting was Merry Christmas. This was updated to Happy Xmas with its vulgar modern spelling.
Now it is changing again to Happy Holidays. This makes sure that non Christians cannot be offended and broadens the commercial appeal.
The next step is to stop dreaming of a White Christmas and dream instead of an all-inclusive Rainbow one.
Now it is changing again to Happy Holidays. This makes sure that non Christians cannot be offended and broadens the commercial appeal.
The next step is to stop dreaming of a White Christmas and dream instead of an all-inclusive Rainbow one.
Lapland
Lapland is where Father Xmas lives. It is picturesque, snow covered and populated by short people and reindeer. It is a real place - the northernmost tip of Finland.
Letter to Santa
The well organised family will get the obedient child to write a letter to Santa a few weeks before Xmas day. This gives Santa a heads up on who will be getting what.
If he is short on stock he can instruct the elves to make some more. An early letter means no danger of that must have item for this years Xmas becoming unavailable.
Children sometimes mention an important gift requirement on the day before Xmas. This does not help Santa.
If he is short on stock he can instruct the elves to make some more. An early letter means no danger of that must have item for this years Xmas becoming unavailable.
Children sometimes mention an important gift requirement on the day before Xmas. This does not help Santa.
Marzipan
A sweet confectionery treat. Tastes of almonds.
Midnight Mass
A traditional church ceremony to celebrate the religious side of Xmas.
In danger of dying out in many places due to lack of regular church goers and / or disruption by passing drunks returning home from the bars. Apparently one service was interrupted by a streaker.
In danger of dying out in many places due to lack of regular church goers and / or disruption by passing drunks returning home from the bars. Apparently one service was interrupted by a streaker.
Nativity
One of the popular designs for shop windows at Xmas time is the Nativity.
This features a poor couple who forgot to book well in advance. Anyone knows Bethlehem gets full up around Xmas time and there was no Airbnb then.
Once they get the baby Jesus settled in a manger a load of uninvited guests turn up. Wise kings with gifts, shepherds with sheep and poor Mary still has the baby to look after.
"We followed the Star" they say by way of excuse for barging in. Nowadays they would use GPS.
This features a poor couple who forgot to book well in advance. Anyone knows Bethlehem gets full up around Xmas time and there was no Airbnb then.
Once they get the baby Jesus settled in a manger a load of uninvited guests turn up. Wise kings with gifts, shepherds with sheep and poor Mary still has the baby to look after.
"We followed the Star" they say by way of excuse for barging in. Nowadays they would use GPS.
Queen's Speech
A UK tradition is the Queen's Speech at 15:00 on Xmas day. Some families gather round the television to watch her tell us whether she had a good year or not.
As the monarchy moves with the times in future years we can expect this to be replaced by a Tweet.
It's the King's Speech now. No one cares.
As the monarchy moves with the times in future years we can expect this to be replaced by a Tweet.
It's the King's Speech now. No one cares.
Parties
For some people who have not successfully managed to reduce all social engagements to a nice round figure of zero - the Xmas and New Year season is party time.
Works parties, social gatherings, Xmas lunches - an endless list of opportunities to make a fool of yourself.
Or have a good time. Some people enjoy it.
Works parties, social gatherings, Xmas lunches - an endless list of opportunities to make a fool of yourself.
Or have a good time. Some people enjoy it.
Presents
The strain of what to buy people at Xmas can be wearing. That's why this site has created a huge selection of charming and inexpensive...
ed: Don't bother. It just annoys people.
ed: Don't bother. It just annoys people.
Reindeer
Only once a year can you draw a stick figure reindeer.
So it is no surprise if it doesn't quite go according to plan.
Fortunately with everyone in the festive spirit it is possible to get away with it.
Put on hold any thoughts of drawing a realistic Winter Wonderland scene until next year.
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No idea. That's no eye deer.
So it is no surprise if it doesn't quite go according to plan.
Fortunately with everyone in the festive spirit it is possible to get away with it.
Put on hold any thoughts of drawing a realistic Winter Wonderland scene until next year.
What do you call a blind reindeer?
No idea. That's no eye deer.
Santa
Here's your main man Santa with his best reindeer Rudolph.
Before there are complaints about the size of Rudolph please be aware he is incredibly strong and fast.
The 'hat' on Santa's head is a wind sock to help with sleigh landing and take-off.
Before there are complaints about the size of Rudolph please be aware he is incredibly strong and fast.
The 'hat' on Santa's head is a wind sock to help with sleigh landing and take-off.
Santa Delivery Logistics
Each Xmas Eve Father Xmas loads up the sleigh with presents for all the good children. That is a big sleigh load despite falling educational standards, bad behaviour and so on. He hitches the reindeer to the sleigh and delivers on time every year.
That is without signing up to his version of Amazon Prime.
How does Santa do it? The sleigh runs on Christmas Magic and the belief system of millions of small people. Those wishes are the best fuel that money can buy.
In the cartoon Rudolph is playing with the new Sat Nav which Santa installed for those difficult to find addresses.
That is without signing up to his version of Amazon Prime.
How does Santa do it? The sleigh runs on Christmas Magic and the belief system of millions of small people. Those wishes are the best fuel that money can buy.
In the cartoon Rudolph is playing with the new Sat Nav which Santa installed for those difficult to find addresses.
Shopping
In pre internet days people used to go to Xmas markets or hunt gifts down for ages in bricks and mortar shops.
Now for most people gift shopping is just a click away. A quick trip to Amazon, a few clicks on your credit card and that is Xmas shopping under way.
Is an internet shopping Xmas better than trudging round the shops desperate to find something before they close for the holiday?
Yes. It is.
Now for most people gift shopping is just a click away. A quick trip to Amazon, a few clicks on your credit card and that is Xmas shopping under way.
Is an internet shopping Xmas better than trudging round the shops desperate to find something before they close for the holiday?
Yes. It is.
Snowman
The ideal Xmas is a White one meaning lots of snow on the ground and in the air. Although snow is a pain at other times - a Xmas holiday where the only travel can be by sled or toboggan is a common theme of greeting cards.
Don't worry about whether Santa can still deliver. He gets around on a sleigh which is ideal for snow covered roads, mountains and freeways.
Clearing snow can be made more fun by building a snowman. A chance to get the kids outdoors, wrapped up and having old-fashioned fun. Roll up some snow, add a scarf, hat, nose and buttons and a snowman will stand outside your property until the thaw comes.
Don't worry about whether Santa can still deliver. He gets around on a sleigh which is ideal for snow covered roads, mountains and freeways.
Clearing snow can be made more fun by building a snowman. A chance to get the kids outdoors, wrapped up and having old-fashioned fun. Roll up some snow, add a scarf, hat, nose and buttons and a snowman will stand outside your property until the thaw comes.
The Tree
Although plastic trees in theory last forever they do eventually become a bit threadbare. They should probably be used for a maximum of twenty years - which is long enough to raise and get rid of the first set of children.
At which point you might think you have done with the business. Unfortunately the children and maybe even grandchildren will probably pay a visit at some point over the Xmas period. This means the entire house needs to be decorated in its usual festive way.
Some frugal types will sneak up to the loft and bring down the old tree - still with its original box. It will look OK once the lights and lametta are covering it. With additional effort it would be possible to saw off some branches and claim it as the latest in minimalist Xmas chic.
"Dahlings - it was an absolute bargain from John Lewis. Only five hundred pounds including the bauble".
The old plastic tree has had a good run but its end may be near. At a cost of a few pence per year it has been a good investment.
At which point you might think you have done with the business. Unfortunately the children and maybe even grandchildren will probably pay a visit at some point over the Xmas period. This means the entire house needs to be decorated in its usual festive way.
Some frugal types will sneak up to the loft and bring down the old tree - still with its original box. It will look OK once the lights and lametta are covering it. With additional effort it would be possible to saw off some branches and claim it as the latest in minimalist Xmas chic.
"Dahlings - it was an absolute bargain from John Lewis. Only five hundred pounds including the bauble".
The old plastic tree has had a good run but its end may be near. At a cost of a few pence per year it has been a good investment.
Turkey Dinner
The family turkey meal is one of the focal points at Xmas time. The bird is too big to fit in the oven, takes hours to cook, is dry and unappealing - and everyone declares it the best Xmas dinner they have ever had.
"Got a good turkey this year"
"Was it wild?"
"Well it wasn't happy"
"Got a good turkey this year"
"Was it wild?"
"Well it wasn't happy"
Winter Wonderland
There have been some spectacular rip-offs in the UK during the pre Xmas period. Companies promote and sell visits to a Winter Wonderland promising the ultimate Xmas experience for the whole family. Pictures of reindeer, beaming elves, gift outlets, food vendors, Xmas trees and snow are shown.
The destination will turn out to be a car park or a muddy field with a few garden sheds, fake snow and miserable looking helpers. By the time the pictures reach the media the promoters will have disappeared with the ticket money.
A shame for kids and well-meaning parents but a timely reminder that Xmas is a golden opportunity for unscrupulous people to make a fast buck.
The destination will turn out to be a car park or a muddy field with a few garden sheds, fake snow and miserable looking helpers. By the time the pictures reach the media the promoters will have disappeared with the ticket money.
A shame for kids and well-meaning parents but a timely reminder that Xmas is a golden opportunity for unscrupulous people to make a fast buck.
Working Xmas
Spare a thought for those unsung heroes of commerce who spend their Xmas sat behind a computer screen, serving people in stores or working in the huge distribution warehouses.
It used to be that the shops and most other activities shut down as Xmas time so everyone could have a break. Not any more. We expect to be able to order goods 24/7/365 so that means an army of low-paid workers waiting for our call.
No Xmas turkey for them and more often than not - no overtime rates either. "All part of the job" say their bosses who will find time for their own long break with family or perhaps skiing somewhere nice.
Let's hope the coffee machine keeps working during the non-festive period.
It used to be that the shops and most other activities shut down as Xmas time so everyone could have a break. Not any more. We expect to be able to order goods 24/7/365 so that means an army of low-paid workers waiting for our call.
No Xmas turkey for them and more often than not - no overtime rates either. "All part of the job" say their bosses who will find time for their own long break with family or perhaps skiing somewhere nice.
Let's hope the coffee machine keeps working during the non-festive period.
Wrapping
Wrapping the presents is a task that fits somewhere between buying them and giving them. It is a chore to be tackled and the more you bought - the more you have to wrap.
Find a flat surface, peace and quiet with no interruptions, and get stuck in to an hour or more of fiddling with cutting, corners and sticky tape. Some people add bows and messages.
For awkward shaped presents like a football, guitar, etc. use the original or other spare boxes and place the gift inside. Then you have an easy cube shape and the wrapped box will keep an element of surprise for the recipient.
Find a flat surface, peace and quiet with no interruptions, and get stuck in to an hour or more of fiddling with cutting, corners and sticky tape. Some people add bows and messages.
For awkward shaped presents like a football, guitar, etc. use the original or other spare boxes and place the gift inside. Then you have an easy cube shape and the wrapped box will keep an element of surprise for the recipient.
Xmas Eve
By the time Xmas Eve finally arrives the children are completely over-excited. The lists have been written. The kids have been fairly well-behaved on occasions. The decorations are out and the stockings will be hung up.
What are the chances of them or you sleeping until Santa has been?
Pretty minimal unfortunately. The children know that Father Xmas will not visit until they go to sleep but trying to force them is impossible.
With two parents the best way may be to have one on the late shift and one on the early shift - and accept that Christmas Eve is yet another night where you don't get a decent sleep.
What are the chances of them or you sleeping until Santa has been?
Pretty minimal unfortunately. The children know that Father Xmas will not visit until they go to sleep but trying to force them is impossible.
With two parents the best way may be to have one on the late shift and one on the early shift - and accept that Christmas Eve is yet another night where you don't get a decent sleep.
Xmas Row
Put stressed out families together in an enforced jollity situation. Supply with too much food and drink, turn the heating up and wait for the Xmas Row.
There may be old arguments not fully resolved from years ago. Someone may have irritated others by having an excellent year or children that are more attractive and clever then your own. Maybe they live in a bigger house.
In many families a maximum of two hours per year in each company is more than enough.
"Yes we must go, really enjoyed it, see you next year".
Under no circumstances invite anyone to stay the night.
There may be old arguments not fully resolved from years ago. Someone may have irritated others by having an excellent year or children that are more attractive and clever then your own. Maybe they live in a bigger house.
In many families a maximum of two hours per year in each company is more than enough.
"Yes we must go, really enjoyed it, see you next year".
Under no circumstances invite anyone to stay the night.
Yuletide
Yuletide is an old-fashioned term for Xmas or more accurately a Germanic festival celebrated before Xmas. See also Yule log.
And Into the New Year
No sooner is all the fun of Xmas over then we are into the New Year. Full of hope and without any money we cheer ourselves up with a party and maybe a New Year kiss if we're lucky.
Too much drink, a late night and loud music will make January 1st a day for a lie-in and a gentle day.
Then it's back to work. But fear not - for tonight we party!!!
Too much drink, a late night and loud music will make January 1st a day for a lie-in and a gentle day.
Then it's back to work. But fear not - for tonight we party!!!