Winnie The Pooh Goes Woke
This Winnie The Pooh story is a humorous satire about the impact of sometimes misguided modern thinking on the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood.
It is written with fondness and respect for the characters and rather less respect for large corporations and their ways.
It is written with fondness and respect for the characters and rather less respect for large corporations and their ways.
Megacorp Head Office Meeting
The meeting was short and successful from the point of the Diversity Officer. With a barrage of buzzwords including "patriarchy" and the ever popular "pale, male and stale" she had subdued the mostly male, mostly pale, and mostly stale executives.
Yes, she could start retraining for Winnie the Pooh and the others. Yes, if she wanted to introduce new characters she could. Yes, the Woods needed bringing into the modern age and truly reflecting modern society.
The sole executive to raise caution about the impact of changes was rewarded by being chosen to accompany the Diversity Officer on the initial visit.
In his office subsequently he dared to share his thoughts with a colleague.
"We already have a depressed blue donkey, a stammering pink pig and a fat yellow bear" he said. "How much more diverse do they need to be?"
Yes, she could start retraining for Winnie the Pooh and the others. Yes, if she wanted to introduce new characters she could. Yes, the Woods needed bringing into the modern age and truly reflecting modern society.
The sole executive to raise caution about the impact of changes was rewarded by being chosen to accompany the Diversity Officer on the initial visit.
In his office subsequently he dared to share his thoughts with a colleague.
"We already have a depressed blue donkey, a stammering pink pig and a fat yellow bear" he said. "How much more diverse do they need to be?"
Waiting For Megacorp
The animals gathered outside Christopher Robin's cottage. He handed out drinks and biscuits and they waited patiently for their important guests to arrive.
Megacorp had requested an Extraordinary Meeting, attendance compulsory. Since their acquisition of the Hundred Acre Wood and its inhabitants there had been various changes which interfered with the animals lives.
Open Days was one example. At weekends the animals were obliged to spend time with visitors showing them the woods, posing for selfies and saying pre-approved messages such as “Have a nice day” and “Come back soon”.
The animals were told to emphasize their brand.
Pooh was given extra honey rations and got fatter as a result.
Piglet’s nerves were so shot with the endless stream of irritating ‘guests’ that his stammer worsened.
And as for Eeyore, if he seemed grumpy before he was positively suicidal now as hordes of eager visitors swarmed over his field, trampling his best nettles and thistles.
The marketing execs at Megacorp were delighted with the results. Visitors flocked to the popular Open Days. They would have opened 24 / 7 if the Worldwide Trees and Animal Fund (WTAF) had not threatened court action to protect the woods and its inhabitants.
No matter, Megacorp would soon get one of their tame senators to have a word with one of their pet judges and the right decision would be signed off.
Anyhow, today was yet another meeting. Like most meetings they never meant anything good was going to happen. It was more a question of how bad it would be.
Megacorp had requested an Extraordinary Meeting, attendance compulsory. Since their acquisition of the Hundred Acre Wood and its inhabitants there had been various changes which interfered with the animals lives.
Open Days was one example. At weekends the animals were obliged to spend time with visitors showing them the woods, posing for selfies and saying pre-approved messages such as “Have a nice day” and “Come back soon”.
The animals were told to emphasize their brand.
Pooh was given extra honey rations and got fatter as a result.
Piglet’s nerves were so shot with the endless stream of irritating ‘guests’ that his stammer worsened.
And as for Eeyore, if he seemed grumpy before he was positively suicidal now as hordes of eager visitors swarmed over his field, trampling his best nettles and thistles.
The marketing execs at Megacorp were delighted with the results. Visitors flocked to the popular Open Days. They would have opened 24 / 7 if the Worldwide Trees and Animal Fund (WTAF) had not threatened court action to protect the woods and its inhabitants.
No matter, Megacorp would soon get one of their tame senators to have a word with one of their pet judges and the right decision would be signed off.
Anyhow, today was yet another meeting. Like most meetings they never meant anything good was going to happen. It was more a question of how bad it would be.
Megacorp Arrival
A car wound its way down the lane. The car was wider than the lane which meant everything a foot either side was flattened. Flowers, insects and pleasingly one of the Open Day advertisement boards.
Pooh pulled a small creature out of the way just in time.
The car doors opened and out stepped the Megacorp people. An old white guy in a suit and tie and a much younger female with blue hair. Another person remained sitting in the car.
The old guy shook Christopher Robin’s hand and gave a cheery smile to the crowd. “Hello again” he said. “It’s nice to be back here once more and see you all.”
He paused, cleared his throat and looked slightly apologetic. He seemed to force the next sentence out.
Gesturing towards Blue Hair he introduced her. “This is Greta. She is our Diversity Officer and will be explaining her plans for you.”
Adjusting his tie and smiling the most reassuring smile he could muster he said “And the best of luck to you all”.
Pooh pulled a small creature out of the way just in time.
The car doors opened and out stepped the Megacorp people. An old white guy in a suit and tie and a much younger female with blue hair. Another person remained sitting in the car.
The old guy shook Christopher Robin’s hand and gave a cheery smile to the crowd. “Hello again” he said. “It’s nice to be back here once more and see you all.”
He paused, cleared his throat and looked slightly apologetic. He seemed to force the next sentence out.
Gesturing towards Blue Hair he introduced her. “This is Greta. She is our Diversity Officer and will be explaining her plans for you.”
Adjusting his tie and smiling the most reassuring smile he could muster he said “And the best of luck to you all”.
Blue Hair SPEAKS
Blue Hair threw him a glance that could turn cheese to stone and started to speak. She had one of those voices that sound annoying, and the more she spoke the more annoying she sounded. The old guy lowered his head slightly and closed his eyes.
“We are going to improve things around here” she began. At this news Piglet started to give a little jump for joy but Pooh cautioned him with a gentle hand on his arm. Owl raised his eyes to the heavens.
She went on. Boy did she.
“You need to understand EQUALITY. EMPOWERMENT. RIGHTS FOR ALL”. She talked in capital letters. She said “RIGHTS FOR ALL” with a smirk.
In her world “ALL” meant her and her chosen ones. It was a reimagining of the meaning of the words, perfectly acceptable in her beloved New World Order.
"Above all, DIVERSITY" she screamed with a flourish as if presenting the most important thing in the world to these poor uneducated recipients of her wisdom.
The yellow bear, pink pig and blue donkey hoped she would stop speaking soon.
“We are going to improve things around here” she began. At this news Piglet started to give a little jump for joy but Pooh cautioned him with a gentle hand on his arm. Owl raised his eyes to the heavens.
She went on. Boy did she.
“You need to understand EQUALITY. EMPOWERMENT. RIGHTS FOR ALL”. She talked in capital letters. She said “RIGHTS FOR ALL” with a smirk.
In her world “ALL” meant her and her chosen ones. It was a reimagining of the meaning of the words, perfectly acceptable in her beloved New World Order.
"Above all, DIVERSITY" she screamed with a flourish as if presenting the most important thing in the world to these poor uneducated recipients of her wisdom.
The yellow bear, pink pig and blue donkey hoped she would stop speaking soon.
Introducing Christine Robin
“Let me introduce Christine Robin” she said and beckoned to the figure in the car. A middle-aged man wearing a short checked dress and three days of stubble got out of the car.
Pooh was puzzled. “Christine?” he thought and briefly stopped eating.
Christine skipped over to Blue Hair. Laughing nervously he made a little speech. It started with “My pronouns are” and explained that Christine was a new character.
She was Christopher Robin’s previously unheard of older sister. She was better than silly old Christopher Robin because he had a penny-dinkle. Her words. Eeyore looked like he was chewing a wasp.
He ended with “So watch out girls I’m the Mummy now”. It was rather confusing to the animals. Owl shook his head.
Blue Hair returned to her script. “You can’t trample over others with your patriarchy” she said, trampling as she went. “You animals need to buck up your ideas in the name of fairness” she said. “Or you are out”.
She signed off with “Always remember, Megacorp loves everybody”.
The meeting was over. No questions allowed. Christine went into the cottage and immediately came out again. “Oh my Godses” she cried, “It’s like where poor people live”. Blue Hair explained to Christine that he / she / they had signed a contract. “You are living here and that’s that” she said.
Blue Hair and old guy got back in the car and returned the way they had come.
One of the animals offered Christine a biscuit.
Pooh was puzzled. “Christine?” he thought and briefly stopped eating.
Christine skipped over to Blue Hair. Laughing nervously he made a little speech. It started with “My pronouns are” and explained that Christine was a new character.
She was Christopher Robin’s previously unheard of older sister. She was better than silly old Christopher Robin because he had a penny-dinkle. Her words. Eeyore looked like he was chewing a wasp.
He ended with “So watch out girls I’m the Mummy now”. It was rather confusing to the animals. Owl shook his head.
Blue Hair returned to her script. “You can’t trample over others with your patriarchy” she said, trampling as she went. “You animals need to buck up your ideas in the name of fairness” she said. “Or you are out”.
She signed off with “Always remember, Megacorp loves everybody”.
The meeting was over. No questions allowed. Christine went into the cottage and immediately came out again. “Oh my Godses” she cried, “It’s like where poor people live”. Blue Hair explained to Christine that he / she / they had signed a contract. “You are living here and that’s that” she said.
Blue Hair and old guy got back in the car and returned the way they had come.
One of the animals offered Christine a biscuit.
Educating Winnie The Pooh
After Blue Hair's visit there began onsite compulsory training classes from a team of Megacorp Diversity Educators.
The animals learned about strange biological matters. “Ugh” thought Pooh. Piglet fainted.
They learned they had rights but others also had rights. The animals rights were not always as important as others rights. “All animals have rights but some have more rights than others” thought Owl and chuckled to himself.
The animals learned why Old Education was stupid and New Education was clever. They learned about a thing called Science and how it must be obeyed. They learned how all men are bad, white men are worse and old white men are the most oppressive evil of all. "I thought Jagulars were the worst" whispered Piglet to Pooh.
They learned about Body-Positivity, which was Pooh’s favorite lesson. "So I can eat as much as I like?" he asked and was given assurance that there was no judgement in the New World. This was followed by the instructor suggesting Pooh swap his red top for a pink one-piece bathing suit. When Pooh refused the instructor called him a fascist and they all had to have extra Reflection Time.
They learned about being Empowered. Eeyore was briefly inspired by this and asked Christine if he could have a new field. She rang Head Office and got a firm "No" in response. “Sorry Eeyore” said Christine who was becoming an accepted part of the group. Once you got over the sight of a middle-aged man in a check dress he was alright really. SHE, she was alright.
The animals learned that anyone can be anything they want to be. “Like Christine?” asked Piglet and was told not to be gender-critical. Piglet blushed and said nothing more for the rest of the day.
The animals were told that in the New World everyone has freedom, equality, justice and acceptance. “Can we not do Open Days?” they asked and were told they would most definitely have to do Open Days and be happy about it.
For the most part the animals let the words drift over them. After a short while it became so meaningless there was no point in engaging. “It's a word salad” said Owl who had been told off for talking in class.
Owl was told not to talk further and especially not to the young impressionable animals who were more receptive to the Megacorp messages. “You can Woo if you must” said one teacher to Owl who sarcastically replied “Woo Hoo” and was made to write out “I must not Woo Hoo in class” twenty times.
As Owl was not that good with writing it took him a day to complete and meant he missed the lesson on “Drag Acts Improving Society”. “Woo Bloody Hoo” thought Owl.
The animals learned about strange biological matters. “Ugh” thought Pooh. Piglet fainted.
They learned they had rights but others also had rights. The animals rights were not always as important as others rights. “All animals have rights but some have more rights than others” thought Owl and chuckled to himself.
The animals learned why Old Education was stupid and New Education was clever. They learned about a thing called Science and how it must be obeyed. They learned how all men are bad, white men are worse and old white men are the most oppressive evil of all. "I thought Jagulars were the worst" whispered Piglet to Pooh.
They learned about Body-Positivity, which was Pooh’s favorite lesson. "So I can eat as much as I like?" he asked and was given assurance that there was no judgement in the New World. This was followed by the instructor suggesting Pooh swap his red top for a pink one-piece bathing suit. When Pooh refused the instructor called him a fascist and they all had to have extra Reflection Time.
They learned about being Empowered. Eeyore was briefly inspired by this and asked Christine if he could have a new field. She rang Head Office and got a firm "No" in response. “Sorry Eeyore” said Christine who was becoming an accepted part of the group. Once you got over the sight of a middle-aged man in a check dress he was alright really. SHE, she was alright.
The animals learned that anyone can be anything they want to be. “Like Christine?” asked Piglet and was told not to be gender-critical. Piglet blushed and said nothing more for the rest of the day.
The animals were told that in the New World everyone has freedom, equality, justice and acceptance. “Can we not do Open Days?” they asked and were told they would most definitely have to do Open Days and be happy about it.
For the most part the animals let the words drift over them. After a short while it became so meaningless there was no point in engaging. “It's a word salad” said Owl who had been told off for talking in class.
Owl was told not to talk further and especially not to the young impressionable animals who were more receptive to the Megacorp messages. “You can Woo if you must” said one teacher to Owl who sarcastically replied “Woo Hoo” and was made to write out “I must not Woo Hoo in class” twenty times.
As Owl was not that good with writing it took him a day to complete and meant he missed the lesson on “Drag Acts Improving Society”. “Woo Bloody Hoo” thought Owl.
Pronouns and Badges
After the classes had finished they went back to their Open Days. In the past they had been an unwelcome disruption to the quiet of the wood. Now they were a nightmare.
Where the tourists had previously been seen as a single mass of irritating nuisances, now the animals saw them as different groups. Black and white, men women and others, gays and straights – the animals perceived them and themselves differently. The more they tried not to notice or differentiate the harder it became. The Diversity Training had made them more aware, not less.
“Can you still say hello b-boys and girls” said Piglet to Pooh. “I don’t know” said Body-Positive Pooh. “Ask Christine”.
Christine was little help. “If they identify as boys and girls then yes you can” she said. “But you can’t ask them”. “So could they wear b-badges?” said Piglet. “I’ll ask Head Office” said Christine.
Megacorp asked visitors to wear pronoun badges. The animals had to wear them too.
Piglet would check all the badges of the visitors to his house and after checking would usually greet them with a relieved “Hello Boys and Girls”. But panicking and saying “Hello Boys, Girls and That” to one group resulted in a complaint to Megacorp and the badges were cancelled.
The instruction came down from Head Office to use the official “Greetings from Megacorp” welcome message in all animal-guest interactions.
Where the tourists had previously been seen as a single mass of irritating nuisances, now the animals saw them as different groups. Black and white, men women and others, gays and straights – the animals perceived them and themselves differently. The more they tried not to notice or differentiate the harder it became. The Diversity Training had made them more aware, not less.
“Can you still say hello b-boys and girls” said Piglet to Pooh. “I don’t know” said Body-Positive Pooh. “Ask Christine”.
Christine was little help. “If they identify as boys and girls then yes you can” she said. “But you can’t ask them”. “So could they wear b-badges?” said Piglet. “I’ll ask Head Office” said Christine.
Megacorp asked visitors to wear pronoun badges. The animals had to wear them too.
Piglet would check all the badges of the visitors to his house and after checking would usually greet them with a relieved “Hello Boys and Girls”. But panicking and saying “Hello Boys, Girls and That” to one group resulted in a complaint to Megacorp and the badges were cancelled.
The instruction came down from Head Office to use the official “Greetings from Megacorp” welcome message in all animal-guest interactions.
Meetings and Berets
Some weeks after the initial Blue Hair visit Owl called his own meeting. Megacorp not invited. Christine was allowed because by now she was an honorary member of the Wood. Almost a friend you might say, and some did say.
As usual Owl spoke first. He spoke for a long time. It was quite boring. But unlike the compulsory lessons the words he spoke made sense. “Why are we doing this?” said Owl. “Why do we have to pretend everything is lovely and equal and fair when we all know it isn’t?”
Owl explained why the words Megacorp used didn’t actually mean anything. People saying equality when that was the last thing they wanted. People claiming there were no differences while pointing out differences that you hadn’t ever thought about. People saying you were empowered while taking your empowerment away.
“So let’s teach THEM a lesson” said Owl who had donned a Che Guevara beret for the occasion. He had checked in the mirror first, it was either that or a Jacob Chansley horned helmet, but he already had the beret from his student days.
As usual Owl spoke first. He spoke for a long time. It was quite boring. But unlike the compulsory lessons the words he spoke made sense. “Why are we doing this?” said Owl. “Why do we have to pretend everything is lovely and equal and fair when we all know it isn’t?”
Owl explained why the words Megacorp used didn’t actually mean anything. People saying equality when that was the last thing they wanted. People claiming there were no differences while pointing out differences that you hadn’t ever thought about. People saying you were empowered while taking your empowerment away.
“So let’s teach THEM a lesson” said Owl who had donned a Che Guevara beret for the occasion. He had checked in the mirror first, it was either that or a Jacob Chansley horned helmet, but he already had the beret from his student days.
Pooh Goes on Strike
And so the first ever Hundred Acre Woods strike was called. The Open Day signs were taken down and a barrier erected at the entrance to the woods. The animals formed a picket and marched round with homemade banners.
“Rights for ALL” was a popular sign. “Down with Megacorp” was another. “Equal Schmequal” was Eeyore’s sign and he too was wearing a beret. Piglet wondered if Pooh could go on hunger strike but Pooh explained he might become too faint to help in the action. “That’s OK P-Pooh” said Piglet and waved his own rather small banner “Piglet Loves All (Except Megacorp)”.
Christine joined the protest, wearing a fetching check beret which matched her dress and holding a “Where’s The Love?” placard.
Blue Hair was sent down from Head Office to tell the animals to behave. Her car was stopped at the barrier where a freshly painted sign said "Hundred Acre Woods Autonomous Zone".
“Go away” said Pooh. “F-f-friend or foe” said Piglet, very excited by it all. "Back Off Babe" said Eeyore and threatened her with a thistle. None of this was on the list of Megacorp approved greetings.
The media got involved. The usual outlets were part-owned by Megacorp so they ran hit pieces about fascist animals who were part of a right-wing conspiracy to overthrow the government. Christine was savaged in a CNN article and quickly fired by Megacorp. Oprah interviewed Blue Hair.
The old media no longer controls the narrative. The dinosaur corporations move slowly, if at all. The forty year term politicians have no finger on the pulse and many have no pulse of their own.
Independent media picked up the story and amplified it a thousand times. From coast to coast, across the globe, people read about the treatment of the Hundred Acre Wood. They called the animals Indigenous Creatures, a term Owl had previously snuck into one of his tweets.
There are not many things rich corporations and politicians fear. They can buy power, votes and courts. About the only thing they do fear is exposure. A free internet allows that exposure.
In every living room, on every phone, a story of real oppression rather than the imagined pretendy sort was being shared. Forced education, changing the meaning of words, rewriting history, destroying culture, enslavement – this didn't sound like old-fashioned values of fairness, freedom and democracy.
Facing public outcry and threats of a boycott Megacorp backed off. Blue Hair was posted to the Iranian branch. Christine was offered her old job back. She declined. Politicians from both sides claimed they had helped and hoped no one noticed how they had created this madness.
“Rights for ALL” was a popular sign. “Down with Megacorp” was another. “Equal Schmequal” was Eeyore’s sign and he too was wearing a beret. Piglet wondered if Pooh could go on hunger strike but Pooh explained he might become too faint to help in the action. “That’s OK P-Pooh” said Piglet and waved his own rather small banner “Piglet Loves All (Except Megacorp)”.
Christine joined the protest, wearing a fetching check beret which matched her dress and holding a “Where’s The Love?” placard.
Blue Hair was sent down from Head Office to tell the animals to behave. Her car was stopped at the barrier where a freshly painted sign said "Hundred Acre Woods Autonomous Zone".
“Go away” said Pooh. “F-f-friend or foe” said Piglet, very excited by it all. "Back Off Babe" said Eeyore and threatened her with a thistle. None of this was on the list of Megacorp approved greetings.
The media got involved. The usual outlets were part-owned by Megacorp so they ran hit pieces about fascist animals who were part of a right-wing conspiracy to overthrow the government. Christine was savaged in a CNN article and quickly fired by Megacorp. Oprah interviewed Blue Hair.
The old media no longer controls the narrative. The dinosaur corporations move slowly, if at all. The forty year term politicians have no finger on the pulse and many have no pulse of their own.
Independent media picked up the story and amplified it a thousand times. From coast to coast, across the globe, people read about the treatment of the Hundred Acre Wood. They called the animals Indigenous Creatures, a term Owl had previously snuck into one of his tweets.
There are not many things rich corporations and politicians fear. They can buy power, votes and courts. About the only thing they do fear is exposure. A free internet allows that exposure.
In every living room, on every phone, a story of real oppression rather than the imagined pretendy sort was being shared. Forced education, changing the meaning of words, rewriting history, destroying culture, enslavement – this didn't sound like old-fashioned values of fairness, freedom and democracy.
Facing public outcry and threats of a boycott Megacorp backed off. Blue Hair was posted to the Iranian branch. Christine was offered her old job back. She declined. Politicians from both sides claimed they had helped and hoped no one noticed how they had created this madness.
Happy Ending
After it was over the Hundred Acre Wood quietened down. There were no more Open Days. Pooh had lost a little weight with all the marching. Eeyore didn’t get a new field but as he often said “A new one would probably be worse”. Owl was allowed to speak freely and the others were allowed to wish he would shut up once in a while. Christopher Robin had sole occupancy of the cottage again.
And Christine? Well, she / he / they / whatever / no one cares, she comes back from time to time to visit her friends in the Woods.
Because when all is said and done, it is decency and decent people that count for something in this world.
“Amen to that” said Piglet.
And Christine? Well, she / he / they / whatever / no one cares, she comes back from time to time to visit her friends in the Woods.
Because when all is said and done, it is decency and decent people that count for something in this world.
“Amen to that” said Piglet.
The End